ONTD

9:41 am - 02/13/2012

Gwyneth's Valentine's Day Sex Tips

Chicken breasts, Oils, Feathers, Kama Sutra



Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed how to make Valentine's Day go with a bang.


Valentine's Day is all about pounded chicken breasts and "secret sealed envelopes" containing sex instructions, according to Gwyneth Paltrow's latest GOOP newsletter, in which the actress professes that "this week's newsletter is not for you. It's for your other half."

And, if you happen to be single on Valentine’s Day these tips apply to you, too. Share this day with anyone you love and treat yourself. Cook a luxurious meal for you and a friend or go out and party. Your time is your own, so take advantage.

Doing something romantic for your loved one on Valentine’s Day is sweet. Doing something sweet for your loved one on any other day is romantic. Here are some tips on how to bring some Valentine’s Day magic to any time of day on any day of the week, without busting your wallet or schedule.

So what can Gwynnie's husband, Coldplay crooner Chris Martin, expect this upcoming rose-tinged Tuesday?



7AM: Surprise them by pre-loading this playlist onto their iPod:







8AM: Breakfast in bed: Greek Berry Yogurt Parfait, Easy, Cheesy Omelette, Super-Simple Side Salad, Freshly squeezed orange juice and French press coffee.












While breakfast in bed on a Saturday is lovely, breakfast in bed on a weekday is completely unexpected, and truly special. We’ve listed some super-simple recipes for even the most culinarily-challenged that can be prepared in five minutes or less to bring some unexpected romance to an otherwise normal day.

The presentation of this parfait fools your loved one into thinking you’ve toiled for her/his pleasure when it fact the preparation is about as simple as pouring a bowl of cereal.


11AM: Hijack their phone with an alarm to check their pockets.







11AM: Leave "Love Notes" in their pockets / bags / wallet.







3PM: Create a flower bouquet with "Love Notes".








Here’s a very simple project that goes a little beyond the typical bouquet. Maybe these arrive via delivery. Maybe you deliver?


6PM: Simple Dinner - Chicken Paillard.








One of the simplest and best,pleasures in life has to be coming home to a warm plate of food, especially when it’s been cooked by the person you love. Despite the fancy name, Chicken Paillard is one of the simplest dishes to make. The pounding not only tenderizes the meat, but it reduces cooking time to about five minutes for each cutlet. When paired with a simple salad (recipe above) this makes a beautiful, healthy and satisfying meal.


10PM: Sex with the Kama Sutra, Oils, Feathers, Honey Dust, Pleasure Balm.






This little kit, small enough to carry discretely in your purse or a large pocket, includes love oil, a pleasure balm and even some honey dust with a titillating little feather applicator for some fun wherever you end up.


10PM: Thrilling “secret sealed envelopes” with "love tasks".






This is not just another sex book. 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex uses “secret sealed envelopes” with special instructions for a love task or favor that each partner tears out and completes for one another. Sounds simple but the anticipation and mystery makes even the smallest gestures pretty thrilling.



Source S2 S3
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t3pps 12th-Feb-2012 10:46 pm (UTC)
I think she should recreate the ending to Se7en. That would be super romantic!
goldengal1193 12th-Feb-2012 10:49 pm (UTC)
ROFL.

"What's in the box!!!".

lreservoirldogs 13th-Feb-2012 03:41 am (UTC)
there's be a bad vagina joke in that question



kinky


tiddlywinks103 12th-Feb-2012 10:49 pm (UTC)
Omg!
_xxtom 12th-Feb-2012 10:50 pm (UTC)
LOL hahaha
drypumpernickel 12th-Feb-2012 10:50 pm (UTC)
YES
sandvich 12th-Feb-2012 10:50 pm (UTC)
+1
jesusnachos 12th-Feb-2012 10:51 pm (UTC)
lmao
onaan 12th-Feb-2012 10:51 pm (UTC)
Omh that's the Valentine's gift I've always wanted from Gwen! <3
deseti_prsten 12th-Feb-2012 10:53 pm (UTC)
lmao
tammyinlalaland 12th-Feb-2012 10:54 pm (UTC)
I love Gwen, she at least admits she is out of touch with most people's lives
sekhmet2 12th-Feb-2012 10:58 pm (UTC)
I've thought that for years. I loved that whole movie, but that was hands down the best part.
mercystars 12th-Feb-2012 10:59 pm (UTC)
lolol
kwikimart 12th-Feb-2012 11:02 pm (UTC)
A+++
blocaholic 12th-Feb-2012 11:04 pm (UTC)
Cackling omg
lninchy89 12th-Feb-2012 11:07 pm (UTC)
lmao
ides_of_smarch Lol12th-Feb-2012 11:20 pm (UTC)
WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!
infinite_drag 12th-Feb-2012 11:24 pm (UTC)
A+++++++++
bathstone 12th-Feb-2012 11:47 pm (UTC)
LOL!! Best first comment ever. You should be proud, haha. <333 I need to watch that movie again. It's been forever.
beaddddddsss 12th-Feb-2012 11:48 pm (UTC)
DID YOU JUST WATCH SE7EN ON TV TODAY LIKE THE REST OF US?
kathrynfan 12th-Feb-2012 11:53 pm (UTC)
lol dead
theafterimages 13th-Feb-2012 12:09 am (UTC)
LOL! I wonder how many times she's had to deal with people referencing that movie when she gives them gifts.
slagathor42 13th-Feb-2012 12:41 am (UTC)
I FUCKING LOVE YOU FOR THIS COMMENT. Best part of the movie, imo.
bienenkiste 13th-Feb-2012 02:33 am (UTC)
LMAAO
ky02121 13th-Feb-2012 02:50 am (UTC)
DEAD.
queensabo 13th-Feb-2012 07:07 am (UTC)
lmfao
glas_smaragaide 13th-Feb-2012 08:25 am (UTC)
gives a new meaning to 'giving head' :D

janeeyre 12th-Feb-2012 10:47 pm (UTC)
let the wank begin
periodpains 12th-Feb-2012 10:47 pm (UTC)
Sade - By Your Side

i cant.
mots_inutiles 13th-Feb-2012 12:30 am (UTC)
Right, that and - how do these tips apply to people who are single? Does she expect for people to do the congress of the cow by themselves? Oh, and she wants me to rinse greens first thing in the morning and eat them with my yogurt? Yeah, sure Gwyneth, I'll get right on that. Thanks for the tips.
muzicnem 15th-Feb-2012 11:30 pm (UTC)
Wtf, that song's my jam, Sade is flawless.
rubyboots 12th-Feb-2012 10:47 pm (UTC)
Is she actually fucking serious?

She is, isn't she?

Fuck.
lusushi 12th-Feb-2012 10:53 pm (UTC)
She is always serious
tammyinlalaland 12th-Feb-2012 10:54 pm (UTC)
she is rarely serious
arcadiacake 12th-Feb-2012 10:54 pm (UTC)
This is so embarrassing. All that preparation doesn't sound romantic. I thought to be romantic you had to be spontaneous!
c_nedra 12th-Feb-2012 11:21 pm (UTC)
lmao, mfte.

This would be cute if it were a guy to guy recommendation.....but um......
theflyingbeet 12th-Feb-2012 11:47 pm (UTC)
ikr

superdogbiter 12th-Feb-2012 10:47 pm (UTC)
UM somebody said we are doing something on ontd valentines day, what is it?
periodpains 12th-Feb-2012 10:48 pm (UTC)
being single and eating chips?
venetianglass 12th-Feb-2012 11:00 pm (UTC)
that's what i do every valentine's day, tbh.
doperperson 12th-Feb-2012 10:50 pm (UTC)
Valenstans?
xtinkerbellax 12th-Feb-2012 10:51 pm (UTC)
Last year people made valentines for different users and such and submitted them, and then there was a big post with all of them in it.
loveconfess 12th-Feb-2012 11:01 pm (UTC)
pretending to be too good for that corporate holiday while drinking a six pack alone with our cats?
c_nedra 12th-Feb-2012 11:22 pm (UTC)
Watching horror movies and snuggling with a box of wine?

Edited at 2012-02-12 11:23 pm (UTC)
theafterimages 13th-Feb-2012 12:10 am (UTC)
Half of ONTD is going to go to war over who our celebrity valentine should be, and the other half of us will sit back, pop some popcorn, and watch?
trixx_r4_kidz 12th-Feb-2012 10:47 pm (UTC)
ew. actually i bet Chris is a really good lover, but dnw to imagine sex between them.
infinite_drag 12th-Feb-2012 11:28 pm (UTC)
I'm trying to picture them having sex and it's doing nothing for me... I bet it'd be really mechanical.
hpxstac 12th-Feb-2012 11:39 pm (UTC)
I feel like their sex is like a Coldplay song, boring and monotonous.
kydeon 12th-Feb-2012 11:45 pm (UTC)
lmao
theflyingbeet 12th-Feb-2012 11:48 pm (UTC)
pretty much this
thruyourveins 13th-Feb-2012 12:15 am (UTC)
i feel like chris is one of those people who thinks he's good but is actually not
sparklepixie 12th-Feb-2012 10:48 pm (UTC)
oh dear God. no ty
maidenhell 12th-Feb-2012 10:48 pm (UTC)
At this point, I honestly can't imagine her and Chris having sex, kama sutra or otherwise.
I always feel like she is all about keeping up appearances. Whether they be through a bad marriage or one's wealth/status. It irks me.
nat 12th-Feb-2012 11:32 pm (UTC)
I hate people who have been married for a while and pretend that they still have sex.
pipsdixiechick 13th-Feb-2012 01:13 am (UTC)
THIS. And all she cares about is names. She will never shut up about being besties with Jay and Bey, and she's always blabbing about Chris-which I find is disrespectful to him, as he never likes to talk about her or their marriage. No wonder there has been talk of them having issues.
hobnailedboots 12th-Feb-2012 10:48 pm (UTC)
lol
rhapsodeeinblue 12th-Feb-2012 10:48 pm (UTC)
From her tho
crucified 12th-Feb-2012 10:48 pm (UTC)
Maps seems like a questionable song choice to me, but okay.
unbirthdayalice 12th-Feb-2012 10:50 pm (UTC)
lol ikr?
sassandthecity 12th-Feb-2012 10:57 pm (UTC)
I always think of that as post-breakup/love torn kind of tune.
yousaidlog 12th-Feb-2012 11:05 pm (UTC)
mte
infinite_drag 12th-Feb-2012 11:38 pm (UTC)
IA...

Reminds me of when I went to a wedding once and they played 'I still haven't found what I'm looking for' for the couple's first dance as man and wife o_O
nicolesnitchie 12th-Feb-2012 11:46 pm (UTC)
lmao. awkward.
crucified 12th-Feb-2012 11:49 pm (UTC)
lmao, that's so weird, I can't.
theafterimages 13th-Feb-2012 12:10 am (UTC)
LOL!
lovely_persona 13th-Feb-2012 12:13 am (UTC)
LMAOOO
andisprohi 13th-Feb-2012 01:09 am (UTC)
I'm getting flashbacks to the earlier episodes of Sex And The City, where they did "man on the street" clips. Remember the one where the husband said "Our marriage sucks, we hate each other, etc...lolz, just kidding! *walks away with wife*" and then the wife pops her head back in to say "the man I really loved wouldn't have me, so I settled for this : ( "
johnjie 12th-Feb-2012 11:48 pm (UTC)
Yeah I know right
slaughtermatic 13th-Feb-2012 02:52 am (UTC)
It's qt tho. They don't love you like I love you~
muzicnem 15th-Feb-2012 11:32 pm (UTC)
lol mte
tiddlywinks103 12th-Feb-2012 10:49 pm (UTC)
Cute. So much work, though. lol, I'm so lazy.

And I think Valentine Day cane be really commercialized, not in a "omg, I'm so alooooone and jealous!" kind of way, but in the way that there's only one day that you can show you partner that you love them forever!!!11! If not, your relationship is obviously shit. I don't buy it.
parker_hallie 12th-Feb-2012 11:02 pm (UTC)
iawtc - if you love someone, tell them on a random Thursday in April/July/whenever, not because advertising agencies are using the prospect of sex and presents to push you into treating a single day as a meaningful arbiter of your happiness

/I have a lot of feelings
spoiled_water 12th-Feb-2012 10:49 pm (UTC)
ohprecioustime 12th-Feb-2012 10:51 pm (UTC)
lol
the_only_babbs 12th-Feb-2012 10:56 pm (UTC)
I love Dahlia! She is one of my favorite characters on tv right now.
trella24 12th-Feb-2012 10:49 pm (UTC)
lol this will be good
loveconfess 12th-Feb-2012 11:01 pm (UTC)
they have a child tho?!
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