ONTD

I read (and I'm not ashamed to say, enjoyed) Kourtney, Kim and Khloé Kardashian's roman à clef, Dollhouse, for work. My review is here (the headline is, obviously, all my doing) and it explains why I was seduced by its trashy charm (er, charmlessness). Also, now that everyone hates them, I kind of love them? Predictable, but there you go.

Anyway, I thought I'd present some of my favorite sentences/passages as a supplement to my praise. They're below the cut. I'm not saying that you need to run out and buy Dollhouse, but I am saying that there are far worse ways to liquefy your brain.

Page 5: "Kamille learned an important life lesson then: that money was power, and that no money meant no power."

Page 7: "She didn't explain that it was from Barnee's (with an e) Consignment Shop on Melrose—not the high-end department store Barneys (with a y)." [Note: The book is explaining what letters are in the words that just appeared.]

Page 9: "'That girl is such a slore—honestly, she's like one giant yeast infection.'"

Page 18: "It was so pathetic, how old people lie Pippa and Kat tried to hang on to the dinosaur remains of their sexuality. They were like fossils."

Page 27: "They'd done it at his house while his parents were in Aspen, and when she went to the bathroom afterward, to pee, she realized in horror that his condom was stuck inside her. Deep inside."

Page 28: "To Kamille's shock, Simone then proceeded to tip the gin bottle upside-down between her legs, letting the liquor gush out. It turned out that she was in the process of peeing on the floor—she wasn't wearing panties, and her minidress was hiked up around her hips—and was covering the smell so no one would notice. She explained that she hadn't wanted to bother with the crazy-long ladies' room line."

Page 55: "Thespian, not lesbian."

Page 58: "(Giles had to explain to her, privately, that Lolita was from a famous novel by a Russian writer named Vladimir Nabokov, in which an old guy became sexually obsessed with a twelve-year-old girl. Ew?)

Page 79: "Just looking at the image of physically perfect Milo made her feel seriously horny."

Page 82: "His mouth was hot and delicious, like butterscotch."

Page 128: "She had gotten into pornos about a year ago, partly because they were so hilariously fake, but mostly because her uptight mother absolutely forbade it."

Page 130: "A quiet night in with a porno and a bottle of tequila was more Kyle's speed."

Page 134: "'And...Kass? When it comes to guys? You need to think less, hook up more.'"

Page 163: "His lips tasted yummy, like champagne."

Page 169: "Eduardo smiled and touched her face. 'You're nuts, you know that, right?'"

Page 216: "'Come on, let's get home and microwave some shit.'"

Page 228: "'My va-jay-jay lips were practically hanging down to my knees!' [Pippa] went on. 'And it's not like I've had a dozen babies—just my darling Parker! Anyhoo, Dr. Marcelo cut off all that extra meat and now I'm as neat and trim as a virgin!' She spread her legs slightly and pushed the crotch part of her bikini bottoms to the side. 'Here, let me show you what I'm—'"

Page 229: "The party really hit rock bottom around midnight, when [the mother character's friend] Pippa and [the mother] Kat started teasing each other about their 'double-decker bus' vaginas and having a contest to see whose was bigger by stuffing ice cubes into them. By the time Kamille left (or rather, ran out of there as fast as she could, pleading exhaustion), Kat was winning, with twelve cubes and counting."

Page 224: "She wished she had a knife...so she could cut off his wretched little penis and watch him writhe and scream in agony."

Page 258: "And somehow, miraculously, Kamille had come out on top. The magazines had portrayed her (rightly) as the innocent victim [of her failed wedding]. The glut of publicity even ended up helping her professionally because suddenly, overnight, everyone in the country knew who she was."