Warning: Not all ancient love was tender and pure. In fact, most of it was filled with hate and wrong.
Underneath the saucy, salacious "of-the-era" sex of Spartacus: Blood and Sand, and the prequel series Gods of the Arena, lies a breathtakingly labyrinthine story about ambition, repression and destiny. If you've seen the show then you know how, shall we say, "free" the actors are with their bodies. But it also means you're privy to the fact that this tremendous Starz series is much more than the sum of its parts (heh). But – HOLY CRAP! - sometimes it's just really hard to ignore the rampant boning. I mean, you'd think f***ing was an Olympic sport and that everyone was trying out for the team. These people knocked
boots sandals like their lives depended on it. And sometimes their lives did depend on it! So, yes. The sex is everywhere. One of the great aspects of this show is that, a lot of the times, the sex scenes are quite integral to the plot. Like, an important plot twist will happen right in the middle of sex! Because of the sex itself! Sex is actually used as a weapon for sure, but there are times when this show absolutely punishes the audience with astonishingly grotesque sex scenes that make one want to take a boiling shower right after viewing – just to try and wash away the soot and shame. Sometimes the sex can be tender and loving (hell, in the first episode alone Spartacus got to have "farewell" sex with his wife – TWICE!) and sometimes it just makes your brain melt and ooze out of your appalled, gaping mouth. You'll notice that this list is a bit "Gods of the Arena"-heavy, but I think that's just a testament to how much Steven S. DeKnight and the writers raised the sexual stakes for the show. Warning: Spoilers for Season 1 and Gods of the Arena.
Gannicus and Mellita
Now, onto Gannicus and Mellita, Part Two: The Quickening. Yes, the final time that Gannicus and Mellita shared "naked time" was on the eve of Gannicus' supposed departure from BatiatusThunderdome. Man, it's a good thing that Gannicus was "straight edge" because the honeyed wine that Mellita took a sip of pre-coitus was laced with liquid doom. Nothing like a passionate embrace that ends with the chick coughing up her own intestines, I always say. Always.
Most of the heinous, unabashed abuse that Spartacus suffered in Season 1 had to do with his wife's death and a little pesky thing called enslavement. And, at first glance, the manipulative coupling of Spartacus and Roman brat Ilithyia wasn't all that bad. I mean, it was sex between two hot people, right?
But because these two were wearing kinky masks to hide their identities, and had been placed together by Lucretia so that she could have leverage over Ilithyia, it kind of ruined the afterglow when they found out that they just had sex with each other's idea of a vomitous hellbeast.
Imagine finding out that you just mystery-boned the person you hate the most in the entire world. A person whose very touch makes you wretch. Yeah, at this point in the story's history, forcing Gladiator's to have sex with random strangers was commonplace. But making two mortal enemies do the old "sword and sheath" act was pretty vile.
Tullius and Gaia
Oh, Gaia. We'll miss you. You had a certain "joie de vivre." And there weren't even any French people yet! So in Latin it roughly translates to "hot widower who enjoyed getting fully naked all the time and engaging in group sex."
At first, Gaia came off as a bit of a self-serving harlot, but when we saw that she was willing to seduce Tullius to try and get him to keep his mouth shut about a certain orgy (i.e. the giant orgy that was taking place right at that moment), our hearts melted. Okay, not melted. Maybe thawed a little. Like 20 seconds on microwave "defrost".
But as soon as Tullius, in the midst of arousal, said that he too wanted to deliver a message, we knew Gaia was a goner. And the worst part is…she probably did too. So now…what to do? Keep f***ing, knowing you're going to, most likely, get slaughtered right afterwards? Sure. Why not. After all, having your brains bashed in is considered "heavy petting" in Capua.
So there you have it. Gaia died as she lived. Getting pounded.
Crixus and Lucretia
Before becoming the more "sensual" couple that we saw inSeason 1, Lucretia and Crixus had some growing to do. For her it was even entertaining the notion of having sex with someone other than her husband and for Crixus it was…well, his growing came easy really. Based on the notion that a Gaul's "seed" was uber-potent, Lucretia made the ultimate sacrifice by allowing Crixus to, shall we say, make a deposit. And yes, it was exactly as erotic as it sounds.
So what eventually became a torrid love affair between the House Madam and the greasy brute started as a lift of a dress, a series of violent, angry thrusts and a pat on the back for a job
well done. Basically, my prom night.
Diona and that Jerkface
Once "word fluttered to awaiting ears" (that sounded Spartacus-y, right?) that Lucretia and Batiatus were letting pervy aristocrats molest their servants, s*** was on! Virgin slave gals Diona and Naevia might have giggled at the thought of one day being deflowered by a well-endowed gladiator, but their fantasy world about gentle, non-demeaning sex imploded when Jude Law's creepy cousin came a' knockin', looking for some Ludus nookie.
Fickle fate saw to it that Diona was chosen to be this guy's personal sex spittoon and it left her completely hollowed out as a person. For days and days, she roamed the Ludus, bereft of soul, longing for death's sweet release. In a land filled with rape and rampant violation, Diona somehow suffered the ultimate indignity. Even after Naevia helped her escape she was still destined to become one of the nastiest tragedies of the series. A stark reminder that most people who lived before 1987 lived miserable lives that ended miserably.
Sure, there are more distressing sex scenarios to probe, but we had to end this feature at some point. What were your favorites? Well, maybe "favorites" isn't the best word. What effed you up the most? That's better..
This post has been Gannicus approved!