ONTD

Jennifer Lopez

The Nay of All Flesh: One day, when Jennifer Lopez is sitting in her rocking chair, debating whether to wash down her Geritol with chamomile tea or Metamucil, she'll suddenly remember this gender-neutralizing nude bodysuit and cry out, "Why didn't anyone tell me I looked like a Bedazzled Ken doll?" But fame, and the desire to hold onto fame, can sometimes make people do funny things, like strut around in molasses-thick fabric that morphs a phenomenal figure into a shape not unlike a star-bellied Sneetch crossed with a crystal-encrusted Butterball. Come to think of it, this outfit is best summed up by the immortal words J.Lo uttered in that cinematic classic "Gigli": "Gobble, gobble, it's turkey time!"



Charlize Theron

Grope for the Best: Charlize Theron is no stranger to taking style risks at the Oscars. Remember when she unleashed the shoulder bow that ate Cleveland? But there's fashion-forward, and there's sashaying into the ceremony while being felt up by a delicious pair of Cinnabon sticky buns. The statuesque Oscar winner breaks two cardinal rules of couture with her strapless, two-toned lilac gown: 1) When you're in possession of a world-class face and figure, avoid distractions such as hypnotically swirling chesticle rosettes; and 2) A lady never lets her designer-wear get to second base on the first red-carpet date.

Rihanna

Cone, Jugs and Harmony: Rihanna's quick and easy recipe for onstage sexiness: Take one pair of fishnets. Gently cover with Spanx power panties, lightly greased to prevent sticking. Add suspenders and two generous servings of yarmulke. Sprinkle with two parts Jim Carrey's bowl cut from "Dumb and Dumber" and one part Chucky's homicidal hair. Serve hot.

Lady Gaga

This is how Lady Gaga says: "Wheeeee! Over here! No, here! Yoo-hoo, please give your attention to the nutball dressed as Mrs. Havisham on a seniors tour of Purgatory. I know this is my sister's high school graduation, but it is I, Lady Gaga. And I am in mourning. For my wok. Which I've placed on my head and draped in widow's weeds. Also, see-through pants, people! Over here!"

January Jones

Channel-Smurfing: We support January Jones' determined efforts to put plenty of distance between her full-skirted Betty Draper character from "Mad Men" and her more adventurous real-life sense of style. To a point. For the Emmys, the icily pretty actress skips a few fashion light years ahead in a bedhead-meets-bedspread look, sporting messy hair and a layered, electric-blue Versace corset gown. If we're reading the signs correctly, her sci-fi frock foretells a bleak future, one in which women are forced to wear dunce caps on their breasts and satiny mullets around their legs as punishment for styling couture that's made from that most endangered of species -- genuine Smurf skin.

Miley Cyrus

Teenage Waistland: As we desperately look anywhere but at Miley's hot pants and fishnet, cutout halter ... oh, heck, we're feeling generous so let's call it a top, we notice three things: Her black and white striped socks are adorable; her so-called shirt echoes what we're thinking by forming a big "Y"; and the tourniquet tied around her head appears to indicate some sort of head injury, which would explain a lot.

Christina Ricci

You Peep What You Sew: Not too long ago, we caught a bit of "Casper" on cable and thought to ourselves, "We really don't see enough of Christina Ricci these days." Serves us right for wasting quality couch-time actually thinking. At a Givenchy-hosted event in New York, the winsome, petite actress plays a stimulating game of peek-a-boob in lacy couture, teasing with a hint of nether-cleavage but keeping her modesty intact with an architecturally interesting silhouette of an anteater nuzzling Cap 'n Crunch (what? You don't see it? Try squinting really hard). Christina completes her look with height-reducing crisscrossed platform sandals and a skirt bred from a feather duster and one of Tyra's old wigs.

Liza Minnelli

Liza With a Z (Cup): For the rest of your days on Earth, you will never be able to unsee this image of Liza Minnelli's underthingies. And we're truly sorry about that. But remember, the psychological damage could have been so much worse: Judy's little girl could have gone braless. And commando. Resist the terrifying visual place your brain wants to take you and loosen your grip on the bottle of bleach you're about to pour into your eyes. Just be grateful that something came between Liza and her see-through, space-age polymers.

Björk

You Got to Know When to Gold 'Em, Know When to Fold 'Em: Poor Bjork. Wear a stuffed swan to one lousy Oscar ceremony and suddenly everyone expects you to be draped in bird carcasses for the rest of time. There's so much more to the innovative Icelandic musician than plushie-based avian attire. Just look at the groundbreaking work she's doing with gold leaf, origami and superfluous vacuum attachments. Genius. Pure genius.

Taylor Momsen

Finding Emo: "This is a nightmare," grumbled Taylor Momsen's hair. "I've given this girl 16 good years. And what thanks do I get? I thought nothing could be worse than the braided abuse I suffered during her Cindy Lou Who phase. At least back then, I hung above what seemed like acres of majestic pants. Now, all I can see through this constant toxic cloud of Marlboro Lights, tear-stained Sylvia Plath novels and teen angst is a push-up bra and raccoon eyes. I tell you, I can't take any more. I need an electric razor. And a 'Silkwood' shower. Oh, and pants. Lots and lots of pants, if it's not too much trouble."

Mischa Barton

Rash Decision: Don't panic, people. Despite the telltale Troll doll hair transplant, that's Mischa Barton, not Lindsay Lohan, although they do seem to have an alarming number of things in common. Like Lindsay, Mischa has suffered severe personal and professional setbacks in recent years (e.g., DUI, rehab, the two-episode train wreck that was "The Beautiful Life"). And, like Lindsay, Mischa loves fashion, even though it rarely loves her back. Mischa should heed the cautionary tale of her jailbird peer and get her act together, which means no more coif touch-ups using Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, and no more photo ops wearing an itchy, inflamed cut-out bikini monstrosity in need of a hefty dose of penicillin.

Madonna

Don't Just Stand There, Let's Get to It, Hike a Hose, There's Nothing to It: As Madonna rang in her 52nd birthday this year, she happily crossed off yet another item from her bucket list. Right below "become a pop icon," "make conical brassieres sexy," "date Jesus," "conquer Malawi," "develop biceps that can crush soup cans," and "beat the wrinkly tar out of Father Time," she drew a line through "write and direct a movie about socialite Wallis Simpson while balancing on one argyle-clad leg."

Anna Lynne McCord

Claw of Attraction: She is woman, hear AnnaLynne McCord roar. The "90210" starlet doesn't need a man to make her life complete (or even a fellow photo-op addict like sometime flame Kellan Lutz). She's an independent lady, one who's more than capable of satisfying her own wants and desires, such as wanting to style Glenn Close's crazy-mistress curls from "Fatal Attraction." And wanting to cut out the middle man during the groping process. At a post-Golden Globes shindig, AnnaLynne causes a collective blush as her grabby ivory goddess gown has its way with her. On the plus side: She didn't even have to buy it a drink.

Leona Lewis

Darkness on the Edge of Clown: Oh dear. How, you may ask, did Leona Lewis end up like this? A harlequin mugging? Forcible makeover by a mime? Actually, it all started with an invitation to a carnival-themed party and some apparent indecision over what to wear (and here we thought "business casual" was a toughie). It remains unclear how the singer decided on a naughty court jester look with a Pennywise the Clown-meets-John Wayne Gacy neck ruffle. Something else that's unclear: When her ensemble will stop haunting our dreams.

Nichole Richie

Hats What She Said: Although Nicole Richie makes a convincing case in her black vest, white silk scarf, voluminous, debris-collecting black trousers and wide-brimmed black hat, an all-Rabbi production of "Cabaret" is still going to be a tough sell on Broadway.

Mary-Kate Olsen

Sparkle Notion: Poke fun at Mary-Kate Olsen if you must (we are in no position to judge -- been there, mocked that). But we're starting to believe that she's an overlooked role model for today's youth, one who can show them how important it is to be true to yourself, even if you won't always fit in. That means if MK wants to wander around an airport in Liberace's gold sequin dinner jacket and a vest trimmed in caterpillar fuzz, we will be nothing but supportive. Same goes for this style statement ...

Ashley Olsen

Turban Outfitters: Isn't Bret Michaels looking fantastic after his health scare? Love the new bandanna. What's that now? Really? You're Ashley Olsen? Didn't recognize you for a second. Love what you're doing with the headdress look. We always say, if it's good enough for Lord Voldemort to hide under in "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," it's good enough for a hip and happening red carpet event. And the trench coat? It's really brave of you to stand up for a misunderstood group that has for so long had to live in the shadows. Right now, flashers everywhere are filled with gratitude over your solidarity.

Angelina Joliehttp://www.facebook.com/

Salt of the Girth: Breakups are never easy. But it's time for Angelina Jolie to accept the inevitable and finally end this extremely public and co-dependent relationship she's been carrying on for so many years. No, not with Brad Pitt -- with the black dress. Look, we know how it is. There was a time when they couldn't get enough of each other. Heck, they would even experiment, playfully dabbling in leather. But the excitement quickly waned, and boredom set in. While promoting "Salt" in South Korea, Angelina gives off an air of sadness as she faces the cold, hard truth: Her once-passionate love affair with the black dress has turned to garbage, a fact she can no longer deny as she squares her shoulders and tries to look dignified in Hefty haute couture.

Lindsay Lohan

How LiLo Can You Go? Lower. No, Lower Than That. Keep Going ...: Not long after this photo was taken at the MTV Movie Awards, Lindsay Lohan's alcohol-monitoring anklet went off, which makes us wonder: Why was the SCRAM device even necessary? The all-but-Red-Cross-declared disaster area must have been wearing beer goggles an inch thick to look at this funky-fogey-night-at-Studio-54 rhinestone jumpsuit and think, "Holy Deney Terrio, I look hotter than a raging case of dance fever!" While there's no excuse for LiLo's depressingly droopy getup (seriously, it's bumming us out), there is an explanation: With her bank account depleted (lawyers, bail and rehab aren't cheap, after all), and designers warding her off from their couture with Jimmy Choos held in the shape of a cross, her options are limited. Hence, shuffling onto the red carpet in Cher's footie pajamas.

Julianne Moore

The Shearer Has Two Faces: Julianne Moore, you are quickly killing our girl crush. Mood swings are one thing, but a diametrically opposed dress that would make Jekyll and Hyde recoil while sneering, "Honey, pick a personality and go with it" is quite another. No matter what the designer told you, putting a Supreme Court justice's robe through a paper slicer and melding it with a sensible sheath does not, in fact, represent the deep dichotomy that exists in Hollywood between performing as an artiste and performing red-carpet promotional duties. On the other hand, if you tailored this look in a bid to make Harvey Dent's one good eye go "ah-OO-gah" before his next coin toss, then congratulations are in order.

Zoe Saldana

Diamond in the Fluff: Zoe Saldana deserves kudos for bringing some sorely needed drama to this year's ho-hum Oscar red carpet in a Givenchy haute couture ruffled gown, with its intriguing sparkly beige bodice and ever-deepening shades of purple along the hemline. She also deserves to pay for our therapy bills for bringing up all sorts of traumatic memories, including that awful morning our brother tore the head off our beloved, Happy Meal-acquired purple Grimace doll, and that fateful day we were buried beneath a collapsed pyramid at cheerleading camp (we still can't look at a pom-pom or spirit stick without shuddering).

Lenny Kravitz

Are You Gonna Grow My Way?: Any guy can give himself a boost with lifts disguised as sneakers (*cough* Tom Cruise *cough*). But it takes a man utterly secure in his masculinity to wake up one morning and say, "It feels like a wedge heel kind of day." Just call Lenny Kravitz the Fort Knox of men, for he not only swaggers along the ankle-twisting cobblestone streets of New York in dainty, knee-high leather boots, but he doubles up on the animal hide with sweat-producing matching pants and a slouchy man-purse (a total steal from his last trip to TJ Maxx). Lenny tops his ensemble with a silky ruched tunic that's a naptime favorite of Jedi Knights the galaxy over.

Leighton Meester

Get Thee Behind Me, Satin: Leighton Meester's low-key, brunette loveliness often plays second banana to the leggy, all-American blondness of her "Gossip Girl" co-star Blake Lively. So, who can blame the perfectly petite actress for wanting to shine at a New York fashion fete that brought out Vogue overlord Anna Wintour? For the occasion, Meester chose an aquamarine satin cut-out corset minidress, which is about as far away from her preppy, Upper East Side-dwelling "GG" alter ego, Blair Waldorf, as she can get. So far, in fact, that it could be in a whole different galaxy, possibly one with an Oktoberfest in Outer Space celebration that bestows a prize for the most black hole-worthy dirndl.

Britney Spears

Bloomer Has It: A rush of emotions hit when Britney Spears strutted out of a Los Angeles boutique in billowy silk bloomers, flaunting a weave more busted than a piñata on Cinco de Mayo. First there was alarm, as we wondered whether the hair-buzzing, out-of-control Brit-Brit of old was back. Then came excitement: Holy crazytrain! Is the hair-buzzing, out-of-control Brit-Brit of old back? Shame quickly followed (we truly want only good things for the troubled popster), with confusion close behind. Didn't she notice that her bottom half is diapered in a Chanel scarf, or that her control-top pantyhose are beating a hasty retreat from that silky danger zone? If Brit really wants to show how far she's traveled on the road to recovery, calling a détente with her stylist and her comb are two good places to start.

Snooki

Every Snook and Cranny: "What happened to my life?" thought Snooki's fluffy frog slippers, miserably. "My nice, stable home on the clearance rack at Wal-Mart is gone. I'm squishy with booze and self-tanner runoff, and my eyeballs have forever lost their adorable googliness after seeing things up that elastic skirt that no Muppet-y footwear should ever have to endure." Just then, Snooki looked down through half-lidded eyes, confused. "Why does my shirt say 'TULS'? Is that somewhere on the Jersey Shore?" she wondered. "And why is there never a guido around when a girl needs a drink? I'm freakin' parched. Hey, maybe if I kiss my shoes they'll turn into a prince, like in that movie with the green juice-head, what's-his-name, Shrek something. I bet he'd buy me a supersized beer bong." And with those words, her slippers knew they would never, ever smile again.

Buzzworthy Jessica Simpson

The Legend of Silly Jean: Here's Jessica Simpson, modeling a dress from her new denim collection. And here we are, wondering (for the umpteenth time) how she consistently makes such lousy style decisions. Then again, seeing as how Jess has a denim collection and we don't, her fashion judgment would seem to hold sway. That means it's our problem, not hers, if her zippered frock looks like it's on backward. And it's our problem, not hers, if we feel a cold chill creep up our spine at the sight of an apparently elasticized waistband and platform shoe-induced toe overhang. And it's definitely our problem, not hers, if we assume this entire line (and possibly that matching headband) was made from her infamous pair of monstrously unflattering mom jeans.

Melanie "Scary Spice" Brown

Cat O' Nine Fails: Melanie Brown opens the door to a thousand Sourpuss in Boots jokes as she glumly shows off her ultra-toned assets in a dangerously overtaxed catsuit and leopard-print Louboutins. At least the erstwhile Scary Spice is an equal-opportunity fashion offender: Her gauzy one-piece getup is an insult to felines and humans alike. Someone should really report her to the SPCA -- that is, if they can figure out whether to call the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals or the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Asses.

Kelis

Cat on a Hot Tin Hoof: If the Statue of Liberty accidentally stepped on a pair of armadillos while shaking her milkshake at the hottest club on Pandora, she might look a little more fashionable and a little less certifiable than Kelis here.

Rita Wilson

Silly Crystal: After careful calculation, we've determined that Rita Wilson, the producer of the money-minting "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" and the missus of Tom Hanks, is worth approximately eleventy bazillion dollars. As such, she can afford any and every haute couture dress in this universe and several others. What that means is she doesn't need to raid Spencer Pratt's healing crystal reserve for a red-carpet ensemble, or step out looking like she just filmed the final scene of "The War of the Roses," in which Kathleen Turner and Michel Douglas plummet to their deaths from a fancy-schmancy chandelier. And she certainly doesn't have to stoop to slipping her pampered tootsies in clear heels. Rita, your husband is one of the few A-listers whose credibility remains intact. Don't undermine him with Lucite, the footwear favorite of strippers and Z-listers the world over.

Rebecca Romijn

The Mold and the Beautiful: Life with twins can be hectic. Things you once took for granted now seem like such a luxury. Just ask Rebecca Romijn. Before her double bundles of joy arrived, she had plenty of time for simple pleasures, from watching a movie to reading a book to scrubbing the mold out of the armpits of her favorite butterfly breastplate. But those leisurely days are gone. Now, she's lucky if she has the energy to shave her legs before slipping on her gold glitter-ball shorts for her mommy-and-me-and-the-Bee Gees class at the Y.

Chloë Sevigny

Squat Pilgrim vs. the World: Shortly after this photo was taken, Chloe Sevigny was accused of practicing witchcraft and consorting with the devil. She's currently sharing a jail cell with Goody Osborne in 17th-century Salem and preparing to mount a vigorous defense.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Sacks and the City: Sarah Jessica Parker may have undeniable fashion credentials, but even she can sometimes fall under the dangerous spell of fresh-off-the-runway couture. While walking the red carpet at the Oscars, the style-adoring star expressed regret that she had to return her buttery Chanel gown at the end of the night. We say: Too bad she couldn't have handed this loose, lumpy nightie-like sack back sooner. Then again, maybe she wanted to evoke the spirit of Mrs. Robinson on her way to a swingers party populated by alien abductees, thus necessitating that tinfoil dickey, which we presume is used to keep the mother ship's transmissions at bay.

Katie Holmes

Suri With a Cringe on Top: Suri Cruise is quite the precocious child. At the ripe old age of four, the tot already knows how to give good shame-face when Katie Holmes struts out in front of the paparazzi sporting Daisy Dukes, sheer black pantyhose and open-toed hooves. "I'm not with her," Suri's pained, scrunched-up expression seems to say. "This weird lady just grabbed my hand and started walking. Someone, please call my dad. He can rescue me. He does his own stunts, you know. He tells me so every single night before beddy-bye. Everything will be all right if I can just avoid looking directly at the frayed bad things. For the love of L. Ron, I must keep my eyes firmly on the ground, or else those mean men who are always yelling at me to smile might catch me giving the weird lady the stink-eye again ..."

Kate Moss

Super Fuzz: This is what it's like to be Kate Moss, fashion icon: You can wrap yourself in the feathered carcass of Foghorn Leghorn and you are hailed for your bold Bohemian hipness. Still, the veteran supermodel had to work hard to look this effortlessly chic, spending a solid hour plucking parasites from the fleecy recesses of her vest while preening in a nearby birdbath.

Kim Kardashian

The Thighs That Bind: When you don't have much to fall back on except some gloriously proportioned rear padding and an innate gift for attention-grabbing, appearance means everything. And with this year's Botox experiment, increasingly streamlined-seeming schnoz and steam-ironed, store-bought hair, Kim Kardashian won't be satisfied until she looks her best (or what she thinks is her best). So, it's only fitting that the shapely knockout has trussed her gams in stitched-up leggings from the Dr. Frankenstein collection. As we recall, he, too, wanted to create something fantastic out of existing parts. Fingers crossed that things end better for Kim. In the meantime, Khloe and Kourtney better watch their backs (and every other body part).

Carrie Underwood

Jailbait and Switch: It seems that among the place settings and multiple fondue sets that Carrie Underwood received to mark her marriage to Mike Fisher was a boxed DVD set featuring the classic films of Alicia Silverstone. In that box: six copies of "Clueless," which, judging by the country sweetie pie's newfound love of the thigh-high-based Contempo Casuals look, she watched over and over again on her honeymoon. So we know she'll understand when we ask, a la Cher Horowitz, if she prefers to be called a "fashion victim or ensemble-y challenged." See, Carrie is a total Betty, but in her Angus Young-inspired tie and blazer combo, gray flannel hot pants, and studded platform stilettos, she's just a mini-backpack away from turning into a full-on Monet: From far away, she's OK, but up close, she's a big old mess

Gwen Stefani

Too Legit to Fit: No, Gwen Stefani didn't shoplift a few extra novelty balloons by stuffing them down her pants. Point of fact, these low-slung denim abominations from Jean Paul Gaultier retail for $435, which is approximately what it would cost to hire seminal harem pants-wearer MC Hammer to play a private performance. On the other hand, having enough room in Gwen's pendulous jeans for Hammer to perform the "running man" during "U Can't Touch This": That's priceless.

Toni Braxton

(Camel) Toeing the Line: See that shocked expression on Toni Braxton's face? It's the exact same one we're making right now (OK, maybe our jaw is a little closer to the ground). Like you, we're simply astonished to see such grace and elegance in action. Sophistication, thy name is Braxton. Less ladylike types might throw on any old crotch-clutching spandex catsuit for dinner at Mr.Chow in Los Angeles. But the strategically buzz cut and feather-bedecked singer knows it would be terribly uncouth and déclassé to wear a unitard that didn't have chic see-through lace side panels snaking from ankle to armpit.

Kristen Cavallari

All Hands on Pec: What scares the pants off of Kristin Cavallari? Turns out it's not bona fide fears such as fading into irrelevance and obscurity. The starlet recently revealed that she's afraid of public speaking. So, to recap: Talking in front of a crowd? Terrifying. But posing at a Las Vegas pool party in a wee string bikini with a wax-before-wearing label and a mesh shirt that's conducting a thorough breast exam? That's just another boring day at the office.

Katy Perry

The Unhappiest Place on Earth: Finally, we have the secret to Katy Perry's success: Friends in high places, namely, Mickey Mouse and his busy, white-gloved hands.

Maggie Gyllenhaal

The Young and the Neckless: Maggie Gyllenhaal musters a smile amid the bleak landscape of the Great Depression. With her feet aching from a long day standing in a bread line and hands frozen from trying to sell wilted flowers on a street corner, she pulls her army surplus coat tighter, cinches her scarf and prays that she'll soon have enough money to get her neck out of hock.

Tina Fey

Mary Floppins: We love us some "30 Rock," so the last thing we want to do is play Jack Donaghy to Tina Fey's Liz Lemon by insulting her outfit. But this tweedy, short-and-stout teapot fiasco has left us no choice. Just remember that we say this with the greatest respect and admiration (no Liz-zing, we promise). In "30 Rock" terms, posing in a dress made from recycled newspaper? That's a dealbreaker. Ruining adorable bow-topped shoes by pairing them with an oversized lampshade? That's a dealbreaker. Wearing said lampshade without any irony? That's a dealbreaker. The good news is Tina's sideswept updo and sweetheart neckline are what Kenneth the Page would call the devil's temperature -- hot.

Helena Bonham Carter

Frock Ness Monster: Perennial fashion misfit Helena Bonham Carter takes on her most challenging role yet, playing a nerdy Scottish nuclear physicist whose life takes a dramatic turn into hotness after she undergoes a plaid- and spectacle-removing makeover.

Ke$ha

It's All Fun(gus) and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye: Ke$ha dressed so hastily after her impromptu ménage a trois with Smurfette and Paul Stanley from KISS that she wasn't even sure if she was decent. She took a quick inventory: Fishnets? Check. Grungy, self-consciously retro tank top? Check. Spangled booty shorts? Cheek, ahem, check. And while she hadn't counted on accessorizing her outfit with a fast-spreading fungus (stupid Smurfette and her stupid mushroom house!), she was secretly pleased with its head-to-toe coverage, figuring it gave her a funky edge that other, spore-free pop stars lacked.

Christina Aguilera

Lip Shtick: Christina Aguilera, this is an intervention. You need help. Your hoochie addiction is out of control, and it's negatively affecting everyone around you. Do you understand how upsetting it is to see you prancing around in nothing but red satin panties? You're better than this. What's more, you know perfectly well that tights do not become pants even after undergoing a painful Bedazzling process. You're in deep denial. Also, Billy Idol flew here all the way from the '80s to encourage you to give him back his studded, double-wrapped skinny belt and leather jacket. And Phyllis Diller respectfully asks for her deep-fried hair back. Just remember, the first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is to take this power sander that we all chipped in to buy and scrub off that makeup.

Paris Hilton

Sunshine on My Shoulders Makes Me Crappy: Paris Hilton hasn't had a lot to smile about lately. Her attempt to set a legal precedent with the Dentyne defense following her cocaine bust ultimately failed. Even worse, she's been forced to watch former second-string BFF Kim Kardashian eclipse her in fame, popularity and PR cunning. What's a fading heiress to do? Why, put on a happy face, of course. But as Paris spreads sunshine all over the place (public service sidenote: A preventative dose of penicillin might not be a bad idea), her fluffy pooches are once again left shamefaced, wondering if they can make it through another day without giving in to their baser instincts by adorably nibbling on her jugular.

Julia Roberts

Erin Smockovich: Julia Roberts faces the press in Tokyo as she promotes "Eat Pray Love," in which she stars as a divorcee who embarks on a spiritual journey through Italy, India and Bali to find inner peace and balance. In real life, the Oscar-winning actress has embarked on a different sort of journey, one that has taken her through the clearance rack of Dress Barn to find inner schlumpiness in a splotchy belted floral eyesore.

Kylie Minogue

Can't Get You Out of My Head (Even With a Hefty Dose of Antihistamines): You think Kylie Minogue's dress looks swollen and scary? You should see the mosquito that did this to her.

Jennifer Aniston

Sheet Out of Luck: With a body toned into submission with a bazillion squats, lunges and Downward Dogs, and hair shinier than a shirtless, mai tai-sipping Edward Cullen in Cabo, Jennifer Aniston has a look women aspire to. If she released "Workout Secrets to a Quarter-Bouncing Backside," it could do for yoga what Jane Fonda did for aerobics (and leg warmers). And a Jennifer-endorsed line of hair care products? We'll take a case, please. On the other hand, chances are slim that she'll have a hit with "The Ultimate Guide to Hiding Your Flawless Figure in a Vinyl Shower Curtain," even if her gown's watermelon-floating-in-Mr.-Bubble color is a nice change of red-carpet pace from her usual basic black.

Aubrey O'Day

Swan Fake: Aubrey O'Day rings in her 26th birthday (for certain parts of her, anyway) with a bash at a Las Vegas hot spot, which was evidently BYOB: bring your own bronzer. It also appears to have been BYOBB: bring your own busty ballerina. The former Danity Kane warbler steps up her fashion game for the occasion, stapling a tutu to a nursing bra to create a daring new style that melds the classic grace and elegance of a Degas dancer with the modern refinement of Sin City's most discerning and polished (as in, those metal poles are so polished you can see your reflection in them -- not that you'd want to) gentlemen's clubs.

Scarlett Johansson

Tragically Hip: Scarlett Johansson is blessed in many ways: a booming career; cleavage that remains blissfully unaware of the existence of gravity; and 24-hour access to the carved slab of Canadian bacon that is Ryan Reynolds. So we suppose it was inevitable that the actress's luck would eventually run out, which it does in this strapless clunker. Bad enough that the frock's sluggish sweetheart neckline performs an instant and unnecessary chest reduction, but the two-ply pinafore turns ScarJo's slimline hips from much-eyed to extra-wide

Fergie

Vast, Loose and Out of Control: Not everyone has given in to the dehumanizing experience of air travel. Fergie struts through LAX in a flowing leopard-print caftan, all but daring TSA agents to go on safari with a full-body search. The Fergster's dress isn't just a comfy and classic choice (the passing of Rue McClanahan means all things Blanche Devereaux are now classic), but it also makes her positively irresistible to one very special guy. Unfortunately, that guy isn't husband Josh Duhamel; it's Matlock, who never could keep his arthritic hands off a sexy sexagenarian in a muumuu and a straw hat. If Fergie had accessorized with a coupon for an early bird special and a tennis-ball-tipped walker, she'd surely give the veteran attorney heart palpitations (although those could just be caused by blocked arteries).

Kate Hudson

The Abominable Snow Plan: Every winter, celebrities descend en masse on swanky Aspen, Colo., to shush down the slopes and breathe in the crisp, money-scented air. Some try to step out incognito in oversized sunglasses and a caravan of black SUVs, but they're usually easy to spot. Accustomed as they are to sunny Los Angeles and without any body fat to ward off frostbite, they go overboard with their frosty wardrobe, just like Kate Hudson here. To trek across the harsh, unforgiving tundra of the ritzy resort's chic shopping district, the actress bundles up in beige snow boots and a matching coat trimmed with the naturally shed hairs of her mom, Goldie Hawn.

M.I.A

The Shills Have Eyes: We're not sure what's more ridiculous: That M.I.A. is attempting to make a statement (political, fashion and/or "Suck it, Lady Gaga") by slipping on a burqa-like satiny robe airbrushed with artwork from her latest album, or that she's making said statement while attending the oh-so-culturally significant Spike TV Scream Awards.

Jared Leto

My So-Called Hotness: After years of relentless effort, Jared Leto has finally eradicated every trace of the Jordan Catalano pretty. And all it took was turning up at a Dior fashion show in Paris looking like he'd just been arrested outside a junior high school after escaping from a padded room, where his shoelaces and belt were taken away as a precautionary measure because he kept insisting that he came here from the future to protect Sarah Connor. The most effective part of Leto's de-hottening strategy? His faux-hawk, which takes a two-pronged approach to zapping his attractiveness: The yellow fluffiness implies that dozens of baby chicks were needlessly sacrificed in the name of coif trendiness, while the flickering-flame shape conjures up a candle that emits the desire-quenching scent of clove cigarettes and aging hipster desperation.

Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyn and Bare It: The concept of dressy shorts seems as contradictory as "Oscar-winning director Michael Bay" or "Ph.D.-candidate and homebody Lindsay Lohan." But Gwyneth Paltrow attempts the look at the "Iron Man 2" premiere, styling a matching sparkly blazer with a generous wedge of shirtless cleavage and rubber-smothered feet (we apparently missed the actress-cum-lifestyle guru's GOOP newsletter on how to use garden shears to turn old scuba fins into kicky shoes). Leggy as she is, Gwyn's red-carpet choice is at war with her grueling workout regimen. After all, what good are those countless hours in your home yoga studio if you're just going to be foiled (see what we did there, because her outfit looks like aluminum foi- ... oh, never mind) by a shiny pair of short pants and inelegant, stumpifying half-booties.

Teresa Giudice from Real Housewives of NJ

Crystal Gall: Giudice welcomes you to her new venture, Madame Terry's House of Palmistry, Tarot Card Reading and "Real Housewives of New Jersey" gift shop. For the low, low price of $29.95, Madame T. will clear a channel to the spirit world and tell you what the future holds. Unless it holds an $11 million past-due bill. Or Chapter 11. Unfortunately, the spirits seem to have a block when it comes to forecasting crushing financial debt, although they did advise Teresa where she could get a fabulicious turban and kicky caftan on layaway.

Reese Witherspoon

Every Which Way But Loose: Call it a personal preference, but we like it when adorably petite Oscar winners have a waistline. And boobs (unless we're talking about the pocketsize Dustin Hoffman, then not so much). Too bad the lovely Reese Witherspoon has neither in a blueberry-colored embroidered muumuu so cavernous that we're concerned that a pack of Oompa Loompas are about to roll her away and hook her up to the juicing station next to Violet Beauregarde.

Jane Fonda

Chronic Youth: Jane Fonda freely admits to undergoing a nip here and a tuck there in order to stay on the fresher side of seventy-ish. Not that there's anything wrong with that (unless the trip to the plastic surgeon leaves you with a "Fraggle Rock" face and "Real Housewives" body). The problem comes when you try to dress as young as you feel. For a tribute gala in Paris, the veteran actress poses in a gauzy, off-the-shoulder peasant blouse, jaunty trilby and ripped jeans, the latter of which, if we're not mistaken, reveal some recent cyborg-based enhancements. This would be a lotta look on a dewy starlet. On Jane, it simply illustrates why Hot Topic doesn't offer an AARP discount.

P. Diddy and Shaun White

Snow White and the Seven Snorts: Diddy and Shaun White cross paths on the red carpet at the MTV Movie Awards. Let's listen in to their meet-and-greet:

Diddy: Man, I don't care if you're the airborne avocado. You're shirtless and have a muskrat tail attached to creepily low hip-huggers. And did a Santa Fe gift shop puke on you, 'cause damn?
Shaun White: Whatever, dude. At least I'm not wearing a Texas tuxedo. I haven't seen that much denim-on-denim action since Michael J. Fox flux-capacitated back to the future.

Salma Hayek

Thud and Guts: For those of you who have wondered if Salma Hayek is as gorgeous on the inside as the outside (and really, that's between you, your shrink, your legal counsel and your "Silence of the Lambs" fan club), the answer is a resounding "yes," followed by a grossed-out "ewww," and then a plea for the stunner to have her intestinal track checked out, because that unhealthy-looking color concerns us.

Marion Cotillard

Blackluster: Seeing Marion Cotillard swimming in black satin reminds us of something Coco Chanel once said: "Look for the woman in the dress. If there is no woman, there is no dress." Less commonly known, but no less true, is the couture legend's follow-up pronouncement: "Look for the woman in the dress with the 50-pound bow. If there is no woman, there is no dress, because the bow probably crushed them both."

Kelly Osbourne

Little Bo Peep Show Things Kelly Osbourne has lost in recent months: a few dozen pounds; her flock of sheep; her top; and any lingering self-consciousness. Things Kelly has gained in recent days: a sense of fashion whimsy, courtesy of this ruffled, straight-off-the-runway-model confection from Betsey Johnson; an enviably flat midriff; self-confidence; and an invitation to join the Pussycat Dolls in their new R-rated production of "Swan Lake."

Jennifer Love-Hewitt

Hips Don't Lie (Flat): Jennifer recently admitted to People magazine that she's considered plastic surgery. "My hips have always been big," she said. "I remember thinking at one point, 'I know: I'll get my hips lipo-ed off!'" Before going under the knife, the well-proportioned actress should look into getting a flare-ectomy, a minimally invasive procedure that requires only the reduction of material around one's midsection, in this case, the oversized apron from her new kitchen collection, "The Roast Whisperer."

Adrien Brody

Let Those Without Skin Cast the First Stone: What happened to you, Adrien Brody? You used to be cool in a forcing-your-saliva-on-Halle-Berry kind of way. Now, you're posing at the Cannes Film Festival in a leather suit made from the skin flaked off by Snooki after a sunlamp accident. And even she would dismiss this as both too baggy and too d-baggy.

Jennifer Hudson

Scrutiny on the Bounty: Unlike her boobs in that corset, Jennifer Hudson's talents can't be contained. She sings, she acts, she touts weight loss products. And somehow she still finds time for her first love: swashbuckling on the high seas. Nothing brings her more satisfaction than swabbing the deck, marauding for doubloons and having her timbers shivered when she slips on a crisp, new puffy shirt.

Courtney Love

Long Lost Love: Courtney Love has been waging a one-sided war with sanity for a while now, although she did have a rare moment of clarity in 2010 when she briefly quit her typo-fortified Twitter account after posting a nearly nude photo of herself in an artsy, emotive pose. With our psyche still curled in the fetal position and weeping quietly from the trauma of seeing a clothing-free C. Love, it somehow seems wrong to fault her for this white lace pantsuit. Yes, she appears to be ready to swap vows in a "Sister Wives"-like marriage pact with Janis Joplin and Jimi Hendrix. And yes, her torso is fringed in lustrous platinum locks plucked from the smiling heads of a thousand Bratz dolls. But what really matters is that the refreshed-looking rocker is covered up, and for that, she has our eternal gratitude.

Diane Kruger

Ruffle Kerfuffle: Diane Kruger appears as stunned as we are by her flouncy frock. A few thoughts, in no particular order: Frosting guns are not toys; it's amazing what designers can do these days with a few boxes of Kleenex and some rudimentary papier-mâché skills; if Diane, who played ship-launching beauty Helen of Troy, can't make booties sexy, the trend must die; this picture needs way more of her boyfriend, Pacey.

Rachel Bilson

Cracker Wack: Rachel Bilson makes an explosive style statement at the Cannes Film Festival in an alarmingly embellished navy blue gown. For the starlet's edification, here are a few things that are acceptable to have atop one's breasts: a bra, a hungry baby, and hands that have been given the go-ahead to get a lay of the land. Things that are not OK to have atop one's breasts: spinning plastic pinwheels and sparklers lit up for your own personal Fourth of July celebration.

Audrina Patridge

The Hills Are Alive. Aliiiiiiive!: Audrina Patridge, we're concerned. From the looks of your overstuffed bikini top, you've picked up a nasty chest infection, one that's rapidly mutating and multiplying. If postapocalyptic rules apply, your cleavage contagion will spread rapidly, causing a global catastrophe that will leave a handful of survivors fighting for their lives against ceiling-eyed zombies with eye-poppingly impressive racks.

Sheryl Crow

It's Only Rock and Roll (But I Dislike It): Before Sheryl Crow hit a screening of the new Rolling Stones documentary, she must have thought to herself, "It's an important night. Mick Jagger and Keith Richards will be there. I really need to find the perfect thing to wear." Which would explain how she ended up in this feather-printed, Crayola-decorated muumuu from British designer Ossie Clark. The dress dates back to the early '70s, an era that produced "Exile on Main Street" and Keith's impervious-to-harm immune system. While the barefaced singer's attempt at authenticity is admirable, she would have been better off in a gown that wasn't busier and looser than Mick's libido during the Stones' heyday.



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