Because celebrities are just like us, it’s safe to assume that 25-35% of them are currently carrying an STD, just like us. But because it’s not really the type of thing one would like to bring up, especially if you’re on the cover of a magazine, finding EVERY celeb that has an STD isn’t as easy as doing a Google search. But for some celebrities, it is that easy. Below is a list of 9 celebrities who either weren’t able to or didn’t want to keep their infections secret.
PARIS HILTON - GENITAL HERPES
This must come as a terrible surprise to everyone reading this, so I’ll take a moment and let you catch your breath…..Cool? Cool. In news that is shocking to no one, this Hollywood B-list hot potato has been infected with genital herpes since at least 2007.
How did this information come about? A while back, Paris had failed to pay rent on a storage unit she was leasing. Per the contract, her possessions were forfeited after a certain amount of time and a tabloid consortium got a hold of them. They came across a two year-old prescription for Valtrex, a herpes medicine, as well as printed doctor’s instructions, made out to her, on how to take the medication. Pretty hard to misinterpret that.
This should definitively answer the question, “If I get the chance, should I have sex with Paris Hilton?” No. You shouldn’t. Unless you have herpes already, too. Then, by all means, go nuts. Since he wasn’t wearing protection in that sex video with her, it’s quite possible that douchenozzle Rick Solomon has herpes too, so, uh…don’t sleep with him either.
ROBIN WILLIAMS - GENITAL HERPES
It’s not just the sleazy ones that catch STD’s, kids, but also the funny ones. Take Robin Williams, who was once hilarious but now chooses just to be depressing in movies like Patch Adams, Good Will Hunting and What Dreams May Come.
While Williams’ star was on the rise in the early 80’s, he was sued by a cocktail waitress who claimed that during Williams’ first marriage, he had had an extramarital affair with her and knowingly infected her with herpes during this period. Unsurprisingly, the case was settled out of court.
While the incident didn’t tarnish Williams’ reputation in the long haul (having acted in family fare such as Flubber and Mrs. Doubtfire), it did cause a bit of damage to the public, namely having to read accounts of his affair and then imagine Robin Williams having sex. The damage has been done.
DAVID HASSELHOFF - GENITAL HERPES
I’m going to interpret “David Hasselhoff has genital herpes” as “David Hasselhoff enjoyed his fame in the early to mid-80’s”. Apparently, K.I.T.T wasn’t around to advise Michael to wear a rubber. Oh well.
Hasselhoff’s infection has been known since his divorce from wife Pamela Bach in 2006, when she claimed he has been infect since their marriage in 1989. Which means that the entire cast of “Baywatch” could probably reunite for their spot on a Valtrex billboard. Though, these days, the “Jersey Shore” cast would probably take their place.
MAGIC JOHNSON - HIV/AIDS
Certainly the best-known case of HIV infection in the world, Magic Johnson conducted a press conference in November of 1991 to let the public know that he was infected with HIV. The press conference was so shocking and unexpected that it still exists as a “Where were you when you heard the news?” moment for an entire generation.
Magic Johnson promptly resigned from the NBA, amid concerns for his own health and the health of his competitors, though did shortly return to the game and compete in the All-Star game, despite vocal objections from a handful of NBA players.
Magic continues to work as a broadcaster on TNT and remains in good health, with t-cell counts (the barometer of infection of HIV) similar to those of normal, healthy people.
TOMMY MORRISON - HIV/AIDS
Best known as Tommy “The Machine” Gunn in Rocky V, Tommy Morrison was a journeyman heavyweight boxer with a rather strange history of infection of HIV. He has submitted to many, many tests for both the press and boxing authorities that seem to vacillate back and forth between positive and negative since his original positive test in December 1996.
Ruddock had been a promising contender before his diagnosis and his subsequent ban from fighting. Morrison defeated titleholder Razor Ruddock by TKO in 1995, before going up against Lennox Lewis and losing a conservative bout in the sixth round.
However, since his infection with HIV, Morrison has only been able to fight recently against low-ranked opponents. He has also dabbled in MMA, though it seems that his best days were forfeited during a period of HIV tests with confounding results.
GREG LOUGANIS - HIV/AIDS
Unlike for Morrison, HIV tests were not a condition of participation for diving competitions, so Louganis was actually able to compete for several years after learning of his infection in 1988 with no one the wiser. On his way to winning gold medals in 1988, he hit his head on a springboard during a preliminary dive, introducing his blood into the pool. Not much was made of this event, since his HIV-positive status had not been disclosed at this point, though it if it had, the outcry against his participation would have been profound.
In 1995, he came out as a homosexual and now spends his days training a dog named Mr. Woof Blitzer in agility competitions, which we can all agree is pretty gay.
ANNE HECHE - GENITAL HERPES
Best known as an actress and for being the former “Mrs. Ellen Degeneres,” Heche has been publicly mocked for seemingly jumping back and forth between gay and straight during her adult life. Her infection with herpes sadly came well before her adult life. As she disclosed in her biography, Heche claims that she was infected with herpes by her molesting father, who later died of AIDS in 1983.
So let it be know to people of both genders that Anne Heche, like 25% of the adult population, has genital herpes. Proceed accordingly.
JULIA SWEENEY - HPV
Known originally for her role on SNL as “Pat”, a creepily androgynous semi-person, Sweeney would later find levels of fame through her one-woman show, “God Said Ha!” which detailed her recent trials after being diagnosed with cervical cancer, which stemmed from HPV (human papllomavirus), a sexually transmitted virus that can manifest as a host of symptoms, sometimes leading to cervical cancer in women.
Fortunately, Julia Sweeney has recovered and seems to have made a burgeoning career out of discussing her experiences through this ordeal, but the real reason for her inclusion on this list is the magnitude to which “Pat” is made creepier by knowing he or she is not only painfully androgynous, but also carrying STD’s. They could have at least dropped that into It’s Pat: The Movie.
MICHAEL VICK - GENITAL HERPES
Before Vick was widely despised for fighting dogs to their death with the Bad Newz Kennel Club, he was taking clandestine STD tests and perhaps knowingly infecting his sexual partners. Which, of course is not hilarious at all, but rather awful.
However, during a lawsuit in 2005 when a plaintiff alleged that Vick knew he had genital herpes and didn’t disclose his infection with her before engaging in sex, it was revealed that Vick had in fact gotten tested. But not under his name, lest the media and others find out. So what name did he choose?
Why none other than “Ron Mexico”, hands down the greatest pseudonym for taking an STD test that has ever been created. Shortly thereafter, the NFL chose to remove the name “Mexico” from their online custom jersey store, as they felt the “Ron Mexico” moniker didn’t paint their players in the best possible light.
Fortunately (?), the shame both Vick and the league experienced from the “Ron Mexico” affair would be short-lived due to tales of rape stands and drowning dogs for money. I’m sure Vick is looking back, wishing for simpler times.