You could spend this Sunday night debating the potential ramifications of House Foreign Affairs Committee's movement to call the murder of ethnic Armenians in 1915 Turkey "genocide" on American-Turkish relations. You could.
Or you could buy some champagne, flip on the Oscars, and get crunk.
If you're still reading, you've chosen ... wisely. For your consideration: our helpful Academy Awards drinking game assembled for your bubbly-guzzling pleasure. Be sure to take a sip of your responsibly enjoyed alcoholic beverage ...
... when anybody foreign takes the stage and apologizes for their English. If this includes the phrase "not so good," take two drinks.
... when the orchestra tries to play somebody off (this happens often, so keep your swallows dainty). Two sips if the winner pulls a Julia Roberts and refuses to leave the stage.
... at all uncomfortable jokes made by hosts Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin about their own creepy personal lives. If they manage to catch former Best Actress winner Kim Basinger reacting, make 'er a double.
... when the president of the Academy comes out to make his boring speech. Pace yourself, this could be awhile.
... whenever a presenter is speaking and the producer does a cutaway to his/her ex.
... whenever there's a montage. (Except for "In Memoriam" tribute to everybody in Hollywood who died this year. Have some respect, you animals.)
... any and all things related to Betty White. Why would they discuss Betty White? We don't know. It's the year of Betty White. Drink, you fools.
... any and all shots of Jack Nicholson wearing sunglasses indoors.
... you know when the Ernst & Young accountants who tabulate the vote come out and stand awkwardly on the stage for 10 minutes and everybody's like, "BOO, bring out an Affleck!" Drink then. Drink deeply.
... two drinks for swears. Three drinks for swears that don't get bleeped in time.
I have a half-assed Oscar party every year and we bet on the results.