ONTD

This is all copy and pasted from a tl;dr Twitter spam. I did my best to put it into paragraphs:

It's kind of weird to put into 140 characters, but in a nutshell I was in an ocean kayak in open water that suddenly sank. It had a hole. I was about a mile from the shore, behind a huge rocky island. I had to swim to the island and got pulled under the water and nearly hit it. I scrambled up and got about 200 sea urchin pins in the bottom of my feet and my palms. The rock was covered in crabs. It was like a cene out of Starship Troopers. I screamed for help until a fisherman saved me. This was in Mexico. I do not speak much Spanish.

The doctor couldn't anesthetize my foot because it would swell too much. She held up a needle and tweezers and simply said "Be brave. My vacation from there pretty much turned into Hostel 3. The doctor couldn't get them all in 90 mins, so a friend continued for 6 hours.  It was honestly the most painful experience I've ever had in my life. I just had to grit my teeth and bear it while they picked them out.

I tried to upload a photo of my feet back can't seem to get my computer and phone in sync. It's pretty gnarly. Wish I'd recorded my screams.

I started the year nearly melting and finished it nearly drowning. Plus I had been kayaking so I was exhausted when it sank. I've just been resting, taking antibiotics, soaking my feet. My hands are healing up but my feet are in rough shape.

The best part was when I googled "sea urchins" and it said that they are poisonous, but if you get 1 spike, you'll be fine. I had over 200. Luckily, the crabs were scared of this Bear Jew on their rock and they'd back away. But then a wave would come and displace everyone. My feet and hands were such a mess I couldn't walk - I had to crab-walk on my butt around the rock to find an opening where I could jump in. Two days later 4 baby sharks were spotted near where I was stranded. And where there are babies... I actually thought to myself "Oh my God - I'm going to get eaten to death by crabs! And I won't even be around to tell [Harvey Levin].

I got back to shore and this rich tourist was trying to introduce me to his family. I was like "Um, pardon me, I almost just died..." I'm standing there, dripping and bleeding, and he's drunk and is like "Hey, meet my son!" The son extends his hand. The son is also drunk. I actually said "I'm sorry, I can't shake your hand, I don't really have any skin there right now. Which way's the hospital?"

Thankfully, Geraldine the "Camera Angel" met me at the clinic to translate. She held my head through the whole thing. She is truly an angel.

I spent the next 5 days "heavily medicated", listening to Cheech & Chong. That worked wonders.