Michelle Williams finds it hard to talk about Heath Ledger -- her former fiance with whom she has a daughter named Mathilda -- who tragically died early last year. "I didn't know what my boundaries were for a long time, which made interviews feel very unsafe. I can talk about grief, because that's mine; about single parenting; about trying to balance work and kids. But what I don't have to talk about is what happened between Heath and me in our relationship," she tells Vogue in the October issue.
Coping after Ledger's untimely death: "I was holding it together by a string and a paper clip in the fall and winter. I didn't know if I could keep it all together... You console yourself by saying it's all a deepening process. But it's wired. After the first year, the pain is less intense; it's less immediate. But the magical thinking goes away too. And that's a whole new reckoning. But every time I really miss him and wonder where he's gone, I just look at [Mathilda.]"
The happy times: "'Brokeback Mountain' was an unrepeatable moment in time, a very charmed time in my life. I was in love; I was in a movie I was proud to be a part of, and with a beautiful brand-new baby. Everything was good in that moment."
Dealing with the paparazzi presence: "It's because of this tragedy that there's more paparazzi. That is hard to be graceful and understanding about... It's hard to be the man and the woman in that [paparazzi] situation. Heath always used to do that for us."
Falling in love: "I thought falling in love again was the only thing that was going to save me from the pain. This erroneous idea: It just makes things more complicated."
What the future holds: "I feel hopeful and grateful. For a while I thought we had lost everything. It makes you want to love better and liver better."
You can read more of the interview at vogue.com