ONTD

Originally I thought that Ted had cancelled out Jake Gyllenhaal, but apparently not. Anyway, I decided to post all of the Toothy Tile chapters for newcomers.

*Keep in mind that in his "Dear Ted's", when he shows the letters with people's guesses, it means that it's NOT the person.

**I bolded names for the lazy people.

***Thanks to all the ONTD members [onthehillside, etc] that figured some/all the clues out. Clues are listed in blue at the bottom.



EDIT: Sorry bout that, forgot to put an lj cut. Babies. :p




3/5 [Pre-Toothy Tile Saga]:

Jake Gyllenhaal, grabbin' some Cali-esque grub at Basix Café. Boys Town. Gabbing fer days with a guy-pal, Jake-poo, decked out in a white sweatshirt hoodie and jeans, covered up his buzzed noggin with a red baseball cap. The sensitive hunks lingered on fer over an hour, smiling, exchanging childhood stories--with a bit of misty-eyed emotion even? Hey, take it up with my WeHo Desk, 'kay?


3/10 [Offical Start of TT Saga]:

Okay, sugar-muffins, the only reason this one's in the Vice section is because until quite recently, Toothy Tile was dating his superpopular, superannoyingly perfect girlfriend. Not boyfriend. Which, if you ask this old gossip whore, is the classification Tile would prefer his significant others be filed under in the very near future.

Mere days ago, while everyone was hooting and complaining about this gown and that host from the Oscars, Tile was right out in the open holding hands with his man in a West Hollywood restaurant--which shall remain nameless...because I love going there and they probably won't serve me anymore if I start outing their customers, ca-friggin'-peesh?

Not that I'd be outting anybody, anyway. Mr. Tile took care of that himself. Covertly, but he did it.

It was late in the afternoon; everybody had cleared out. Save Tile and his man-amigo, who extended his hands flat on the marble table (yes, that's a hint) until they were intertwined with Tile's. Massive smiles then appeared on both daring dudes.

Too sweet! And such a departure for this debauched department, doncha think? Don't worry, as sure as Tile's famous ex knew, deep down, way below her doable dimples, what Tile really wanted (hence, the breakup), next week, we'll be right back on salacious patrol, damn sure.

And it ain't: Tobey M, Keanu Reeves, Jamie Foxx

3/17

Dear Ted:
Love the gab and the poop! More, more, more! Now, I've never tried to guess the Blind Vice before, so I'm hoping for beginner's luck: Is Toothy Tile in the Adorable Blind Vice Orlando Bloom? His eyes showed more passion for Hobbits than for poor Kate.
Jessica A. Kaputa
Alexandria, Virginia

Dear Lords Looker:
Ain't that the truth. Alas, it ain't Mr. B., whom so many other guessers thought it might be as well. No, the dude who was doing the digital dance with his amigo in a West Hollywood restaurant was none other than...Oops, almost gave it away. My lawyer would have had me on a rocket to Pluto!

Dear Ted:
Could Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice be Ben Affleck, aka Mr. Jennifer? Hmmm...über-perfect girlfriend with "doable dimples." I haven't heard they broke up, but I wouldn't be surprised.
J.T.

Dear John Travolta:
Kidding! Although I s'pose it could be you? Regardless, excellent guess, initialed one! But, wrong, I must add. However, you are very close to the real semi-randy one--just think better hair (all his own) and a tad less brawn.

3/24

This one's getting interesting.

Remember Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice? The sweet movie-star guy who was surreptitiously holding digits with his boyfriend at a West Hollywood restaurant? Well, he's at it again. Only, this time, more than digits are being utilized. At least the ones...never mind.

So, there T2 is with the stud-unit again. In the concrete parking structure of a very popular Hell-Ay shopping enclave. It was dark. Not too many shoppers were around.

Could this be why handsome Tooth (whose legs, I feel, have been vastly undersold, thanks to his mega-charming smile) saw fit to smooch his companion in their car, reclining their seats as far back as Faye Dunaway's forehead. And this kissing scene didn't simply occur in first, my dears. No, Tile brought the all-man, all-body Frenching session right on home, full throttle, all the way to fifth, I'd say.

Damn, that boy's a gusty speed racer.

And it ain't: Mark Wahlberg, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ben Affleck

3/31

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile speed racer Matt Damon? He has a great smile, and people are always joking that he and Ben are "together."
H. King
San Diego

Dear Good Will Guesser:
Nope, but you are very close, pumpkin. Deliciously so.


4/7

Dear Ted:
Are you seriously telling me no one has guessed the identity of Toothy Tile from One Adorable Blind Vice and last week's Whoa, Nellie! item? It is Michael Vartan, of course. His Jennifer moved on up--it is so obvious.
Jill D.
Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Dear Detective Dummy:
If it's so obvious, sugar-smooch, why is it then not the Alias hunk? Think less established and far less sure of himself. Meanwhile, the randy guesses have been rocketing in like you wouldn't believe!

Dear Ted:
I have no real idea 'bout the closet mystery dude, but I thought I'd throw some names at you anyhow: Orlando Bloom or he-man Vin Diesel?
Melissa
Sydney

Dear Ted:
I'm all about the gay blind vice; nothing like a little sexual confusion to get a girl going in the morning. The last few weeks have been driving me insane to the point that I've been enlisting the help of fellow gossip hounds to try and solve it. I've got a feeling Toothy Tile is Elijah Wood.
Elle
Toronto

Dear Mel 'n' Elle:
Great guesses, girlfriends! But as I'm sure you're getting an inkling right about now, neither of you hit the jumpin' jackpot. The correct cutie who's thinkin' about pulling an Anne Heche (before she decided she wasn't gay, that is) is right smack between Mr. Bloom and Mr. Wood--where he just might like to be, come to think of it.

4/14

Dear Ted:
Foul! Foul! Foul! You are all over the place with the answer for Toothy Tile in One Adorable Blind Vice! Two weeks ago, somebody was really close with Matt Damon, but then last week the guy's not as established as Michael Vartan! Come on!
Sandy
Chicago

Dear Fretting:
Stop. Breathe. Find a nice corner to relax. Then get up, remember all this Hollywood nonsense is just that and go do something fun. Try renting one of those glitzy cartoon flicks--they're ta-riff!

4/24

Dear Ted:
As a gay man and entertainment junkie, I want you to keep the blind items on closeted actors, er, coming. I think your Toothy Tile is Vin Diesel--being smack in the middle was clever. Well done.
O'Brien Kelley

Dear Irish Zing:
I'm so gullible to same-sex ass-kissing. Wonder if Vin is, too? Though Mr. Tile ain't the beefy boy.

5/26

Okay, my dishin' darlings, Toothy Tile's back for a raunchy round three. Let's see, we've had T.T., a handsome boy, by far, hand-holding at restaurants, snogging his man-love in Hell-Ay's subterranean parking lots...What's next, an Oprah appearance with Toothy declaring his love for the good-lookin' b-f?

Close. Very close.

Word on the homo-connected nut-vine has it that Toothy's been in talks with an Oprah-esque mag (i.e., huge circulation, other media connections like TV networks) about coming out of the closet. Not as gay, but as...bisexual.

This, of course, would help explain T.T.'s past dating experience with lithe female movie stars. But (as is often the case with love) now he can't control the fact that he's in a major butterfly state with a dude (don't you hate it when that happens?).

At least, that's the plan--to be done with a queer writer for added politically correct synergy (some say for guaranteed taste, but I don't trust these reporters, regardless of their sexual orientation).

It'll be most interesting. Particularly when Mr. Tile's big-screen job makes a very sensual, boyish splash at the same time.

And it ain't: Tobey M, Will Smith, Val Kilmer

6/2

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile should be Justin Timberlake, since he fits all the clues and was mentioned somewhere in all three Toothy Tile Blind Vice columns. Do I get the tiara?
Eliza

Dear Det. Princess:
I didn't know I was offering one. Regardless, you get bupkis, my brave but way off guesser. Think more apprentice-like for the moment. Also, a little less dork appeal.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile just has to be Tom Cruise. After your last vice on Toothy, I couldn't help but notice that you keep referring to Tom's toothy smile.
Michelle A.

Dear Top Shun:
Nope, ain't T.C. Way too established, as the correct cutie-patootie (who's on the verge of publicizing what he prefers to do with his patootie) is much more of an up-and-comer in the movie-idol biz.

Dear Ted:
I've been surfing the Internet for 10 years, and you have the amazing knack of putting into words exactly what the public is thinking. Well, those of us with brain cells still left. Hey, is Toothy Tile Hayden Christensen?
Cathie V.
Ohio

Dear Super-Ass-Smoocher:
Nice try, but ain't gonna work. Besides, H.C. is not the correct homo rising star. But C.V., I must tell you, you are by far the closest gay snoop to date. Congrats.

Dear Ted:
Love your dish, dirt and juicy bits. Is Toothy Tile Spider-Man's James Franco? You don't hear much about his love life.
Care
Milwaukee

Dear Midwestern Wonderer:
Another primo stab (though not quite as "almost too close to homo home" Cathie V., above)! You're on the right scent, just not quite there in the major-stah-stirring pot, I'm afraid.

6/9

Dear Ted:
As you are entirely too clever in your clues for a public school-educated gal like me, I would still like to risk the humiliation of being incorrect and throw my guess in the pot for Toothy Tile. Is it Christian Bale? He is talented but not quite an established star and he definitely has the teeth thing goin' on.
Karen Leigh
Birmingham, Alabama

Dear Heavy Breathing Begins:
You got that right, southern sis! (If ever there was a replacement for my Alec Baldwin crush, Bale would be the dude.) And I've run a Blind Vice query from weeks ago--a no-no--because the only thing getting readers in a tizzy more than Doctor Dunce (above) is the guy-lovin' Toothy Tile. Who is the hot, young actor considering outing himself? Not Bale, that much I can say. Too manly. Much.

6/23

Dear Ted:
I am a huge fan of your gossip. So huge, in fact, that all six of my goldfish are named Ted. Have we dismissed Jared Leto as the mysterious Toothy Tile? I think he has stated before that he is pretty open to anything with a pulse.
Catherine

Dear Ted:
I am obsessed with Toothy Tile. I guess I must join all of Hollywood, and the world, to read your major exposé. What's this about orgies? Should I move to Hollywood and spice up my New Yorker life? Is Toothy Julian McMahon?
Vincent Nelson
New York City

Dear Fishing Types:
No and no. First one's a great (and close) guess, second one's lousy. Your brain's apparently not working too well, Vince. They have debauched sex parties in New York, too, ya know. Find one.

And, Cathy, those fishies better be damn good-looking.

7/28

Toothy Tile, the rising young male star who secretly likes boys, is creating quite the media sitch. Not only am I told by same-sex inside sources that Mr. T. is still speaking with media representatives about coming out of the closet (much to the dissatisfaction of T.T.'s ten-percent crowd), but poor T. is feeling a tad...pulled.

He really loves his old g-f. That much is very clear. Nevertheless, T.T. is not breaking up with his (largely unknown) boyfriend, even though Mr. T.--whose dimples nevertheless remain quite dreamy through all this suspenseful tsuris--is not quite sure what, exactly, to do about the ex-girlfriend.

What's a bisexual budding star to do?

Oh, probably what all the rest of 'em do: Stay right in the damn closet.

Care to prove me wrong, Tooth?

And it ain't: Ben McKenzie, Josh Lucas, Josh Duhamel

8/4

Dear Ted:
I love your column. I see you mentioned Toothy Tile again in One Confused Blind Vice. I've come to the conclusion that Toothy can only be Orlando Bloom. He fits the description perfectly--he's young, handsome, dimply and really seems to care about Kate Bosworth.
Leigh

Dear Bloomin' Curious:
Nope, O.B. is not the increasingly famous (albeit mysteriously so) movie star who prefers boys to girls--in private. Excellent guess, though, if not a bit too famous and beautiful.

Dear Ted:
I think One Confused Blind Vice's Toothy Tile is Adam Brody from The O.C. He has Rachel Bilson, and he's up and coming.
Helen
Canada

Dear Canadian Fakin':
You got that right, sweet stuff, but from what I hear, A.B.'s just up and comin' with R.B., not a handsome young dude. Think more celebrated and certainly more photographed. Right age and looks though.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Ryan Cabrera. It has to be. That would explain the hair, the ultrafemme voice and the chronic on-and-off, synthetically strange relationship with Ashlee Simpson.
Amy B.
Phoenix

Dear Phoenician Phony:
No, darling, that's more in the direction of Clay Aiken. Wrong artistic alley altogether.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has to be Topher Grace.
Charlotte Hamilton
Chicago

Dear Midwestern Dick:
Why? Do you know something I don't? Do tell. Besides, I said handsome, not cute. Big, big diff, darlin'.

8/11

Let's see, we've got Studly Seymour goin' down on some chick at the Viceroy in Santa Monica. Does that interest you? A little, you say? Well, it was quite impromptu, nothing planned (like in a bathroom stall or anything). Box-office deliverer S2 and his latest gal--for the moment, I assure you--just wanted to share a scream or 15 in the ballroom, that's all. So what if other folks crashed their sweaty party?

Toothy Tile, on the other orgasmic hand, does mind. Or maybe not? Hmmm.

As any reader of this filthy column knows damn well by now, our boy Tooth--much like Seymour, above--likes taking chances. He does it in the parking garages of Hell-Ay's more bourgeois shopping centers. On restaurant balconies--hell, wherever there's a chance of getting caught.

Just like he did last weekend. Parking lot right off the Strip. T.T. and his b-f (for whom, I'm told, Toothy has considered very heavily coming out of the proverbial media closet) were "hard-core" doing the diddly, say their concerned amigos.

Only problem was, a security cop called the real coppers, who hand-slapped T.T. something good. Alas, somebody's somebody called the head somebody at the police station, and the whole thing got covered up--just like most of the fun stuff does in this ass-greasing enclave.

So, don't expect Mr. T. to bare his bisexual soul anytime soon. I hear his relationship with the same-sex partner is suddenly not quite as gung-ho as it has been for months previous. Toothy got so friggin' scared he's edging back in the closet. And--you guessed it--the opposite-sex ex is soothing Tile's bruised psyche.

Hey, don't sweat it, Tooth. I once did it on the Long Island Railroad with my then beach boy, and the conductor happened by. Oops. Didn't ask for my ticket, funny enough.

And it ain't: Sean William Scott, Johnny Depp/Michael Vartar, Johnny Knoxville/Seth Green

Dear Ted:
Print this letter, or I will not read your column for two weeks or watch you on E! News. My guess to last week's One Deceiving Blind Vice is Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. And Toothy Tile, I believe, is Brandon Davis.
Angela B.
Washington, D.C.

Dear Bully:
What is that, terror-guessing? Well, keep right on reading and watching, Missy Bossy, as it ain't anybody you guessed. Way too old on the first and absolutely cold--looks-wise and everything-wise--on the second.

8/18

Dear Ted:
I finally figured out a Blind Vice! Thanks to a hint from Jeannette Walls on MSNBC, I think that Toothy Tile is Josh Hartnett!
Sue
Chicago

Dear Windy Wonderer:
Aren't Jeannette's legs too divine? I'm stalling here, because I hate the thought of letting you down, once again. Nope, T.T. ain't Hartnett (though that's a very clever guess, my darlin'). Think a different playing league (field?), entirely.

Dear Ted:
I want to venture a guess on last week's (Two) Bad Boy Blind Vices. Is it Orlando Bloom? He and the Lord of the Rings boys were notorious girl-chasers down in New Zealand, and he's been dumbfounding us all by being on-again, off-again with Kate Bosworth. What do you think?
Yvette Farnsworth
Nogales, Arizona

Dear Poke-a-Scope:
That you might be on to somethin', but alas, not the correct answer to the Vice item about Toothy Tile, the Hollywood star who's taking 336,000 years to come out of the closet, as he says he wants to do.

9/8

Dear Ted:
This Toothy Tile thing is killing me! I must be superlame, because even with the hints, I haven't got a clue. Is it Ryan Cabrera from Texas?
Barry
The O.C.

Dear South of Hell-Ay:
Nope, but you're also directly below, geographically speaking, where Mr. T.T. was born and now resides. And you're hardly superlame, cupcake--you're a stellar snoop in my hazel eyes.



Dear Ted:
I must admit I'm obsessed with discovering the identity of Toothy Tile. I can't stand it. All of my guesses have been wrong. Please, for my sanity's sake, tell me it's Jamie Foxx. I was positively sure it was Seann William Scott. Just call me clueless.
Lis

Dear Was Closer with Seann:
Foxx, love-lover he may be, is not the boy who likes to do it in parking lots, restaurants, shopping malls and just about every place he's not supposed to--my kinda Romeo! But I'm sorry to report, sweetie sleuth, that Mr. Double-T. will most likely go back even farther into the closet, as his peeps have had myriad heart attacks over the subject. And of course, T. himself nearly lost it when he almost got arrested for diddling his b-f off the Sunset Strip. Too bad. He coulda been a revolutionary contender.

11/4

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're tired of Toothy Tile. But, darlings, the way folks are yappin' lately, this might be one of my last chances to discuss the closeted and increasingly curious conundrums of T2!

Tragic, I know.

Now what you might not realize is that T.T. and his boyfriend have their own share of Jude Law-and-Sadie Frost-style drama. They were on for forevah. Then they broke up. And now, phew, they're on! (And Toothy's public "girlfriend" is fadin' into the background fast.)

But here's the (big) prob: Everyone loves a good drama. And some people couldn't give a Simpson's ass about Nick and Jessica. These folks--all fancy, rich and A-list, mind you--like dishin' on Toothy and his b-f instead. Where have they been having sex in their butch automobiles lately? Jeez. Their li'l relationship is like the cocktail fodder at WeHo's most elite, gay gatherings.

Some het ones, too.

Why, darlings, at all the best Halloween do's, particularly one held by a mucho impressive movie director, it's the only thing folks could blab on about--all the poor Cher impersonators were driven to near tears 'cause no one paid them no damn mind!

Also, big-name big-timers are openly chatting about T2's homo-rrific love life. No whispers required. It's, forgive the pun, out there. Everywhere.

So, if everyone who's anyone is openly talkin' Toothy, can it be long before the rest of America catches up? I for one hope we have a little more time. I'd kinda miss Toothy.

(Hey, Tooth, glad you're back with that man of yours--for good this time? It's sure what he thinks.)

And it ain't: Joaquin Phoenix, Scott Speedman, Rob Thomas

11/11

Dear Ted:
I bet Toothy Tile is one half of TomKat!
Kelly
Miami

Dear Cruise Cryptic:
Sorry, doll, way too big--success-wise, that is. Think less showy and glitzy but just as much a thrill-seeker.

Dear Ted:
Is the lover of Toothy Tile Peter Sarsgaard?
Linda
Cathedral City, California

Dear Dude Detective:
Why, no, darling, whatever makes you think that? Far less well known (but much better muscled).

11/15

Two To-the-Limit Blind Vices

Toothy Tile and Petunia Pickle-Pop really should start dating.

I mean, it would be a fake get-together, but how many real ones are left in this town? Like Jude Law and Sienna Miller are going to last. Like they got back together because they just feel so right for each other, in the end--current flicks to sell be damned!

So, Toothy and Petunia are pushing the upchuck-and-saliva-covered envelope like you would not believe. Or maybe you would?

Ladies first. Movie-stah Toothy--who's been playing with whether or not to come out the closet for so long now, readers think I'm just makin' this sitch up (I'm not)--recently did a chat show for his latest pic, Casablanca Cuckold. You'll never guess what a network worker bee caught him doing in the privacy of his dressing room before taping...

No, not fornicating (you dirty busybodies), just tonguing his b-f, that's all. And this little love licking spread through the studio faster than a pink-slip distribution list at ABC!

Causing far fewer but much more horrified mouths to gasp at an L.A. recording studio was Petunia's smelly wake. After barging into the classy operation with her screeching wheels, P2 headed straight for the bathroom, which had been oh so thoughtfully set up with scented candles and tasteful towels and such.

After 15 minutes of locking herself in the loo, Petunia emerged, leaving the bathroom looking like something out of Martha Stewart's nightmares. And guess what was left smack in the middle of the restroom--with one tiny towel placed in the middle?

It was a reeking, warm pile of human discard. Puke. All over the floor.

Jeez, whose wake is stinkier these days, drugged-out Pet's or duded-out Tooth's?

And it ain't: Will Smith, Wentworth Miller, Chad Murray Michael

11/18

Dear Ted:
Love the column, wish it were longer. Just read your last blind item on Toothy Tile and want to know if he's Zach Braff?
A.A.

Dear A2:
Good one. But nope, the Z-man's truly just for the chicks. I mean, have you seen his flabby abs? Think more bod-perf.

11/21

Dear Ted:
I see from your Two To-the-Limit Blind Vices that Toothy Tile was spotted smooching some guy right before promoting his latest flick. Well, I just checked the movies that have been released lately. Obviously, Toothy must be 50 Cent, 'cause his new movie Get Rich or Die Tryin' just came out. Mr. Cent has some 'splainin' to do!
Jason

Dear Det. Slang:
Perhaps. But not regarding my Blind Vice that has Toothy tonguin' the b-f right before a talk-show appearance. Nice try. Wrong genre, really. In several ways. Think more out there, as it were.

1/6/06

Dear Ted:
Hey, Queeny, I'm a non-military American living in Germany, and I love you, baby. I think Toothy Tile is Ashton Kutcher and his lover is his former costar who dated Lindsay Lohan and every other rising starlet, Wilmer Valderrama. Am I right?
Laronda W.

Dear Nine:
Hardly, but you sure are entertaining. Think more boy-man, less girl-man.

2/24

Dear Ted:
What has happened to Toothy Tile? He was just so about to get out of the closet, having sex in public places, and then...nothing. Is he working his cute ass off?
Alejandro González Córdoba
Argentina

Dear South of the Borderline:
Yep, and--as I expected--T2 has given in to his adviser's latest pleas to stay undercover. However, I wouldn't write off this one entirely. Give Tooth another year of fake butt hounding, and I think you will see a little breakthrough--or breakdown.


Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile's boyfriend Matt Dillon?
Megan
Pennsylvania

Dear T2 Type:
Nope, not that famous. Yet.

3/17

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Jesse Metcalfe. I bet your intern, Cristina Gibson, and your associate, Caroline Kepnes, would agree with me.
Susan Wagner
Cincinnati

Dear Gay Guesser:
Yeah, they'd be my ex intern and associate, respectively, if they did, 'cause the Toothster ain't Jesse. Kinda close, but not really, if you catch my celebrated drift.

4/7

Dear Ted:
Thanks for the lowdown on Chris Klein's brokeback. Any chance he's Toothy Tile?
Dean

Dear Security Guard Type:
Yeah, ya won't see butt reports (male and female alike) in Tab Fab, that's fer sure. C.K. ain't Toothy, though I must say that's a fairly close guess. Think, uh, well, just think more, and you'll see the brainy light.

4/14

Dear Ted:
This Ted-head was wondering, if closeted actors have dalliances, aren't they afraid someone will blab to the press? Please, who is Toothy Tile? He is the only one I care about. I think it is Zach Braff.
Judi

Dear Dirt Devil:
Horny men do stupidola things. Explains a lot. Regarding Zach, no, honey. Toothy's actually hot, see.

6/23

Dear Ted:
Just read your column with the juicy bits from J. Bisset. With her assertion that nothing was happening on the set, and then your sly comment about the timing of the Brangelina immaculate conception...call me wacky, but could Toothy Tile be Brad Pitt?
J.G.
Columbus, Ohio

Dear Mistaken:
Sorry, sweetie, but T2 ain't B Pitt. Think younger and less (officially) attached.

7/18

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile is Lance Bass, isn't it? Woo-hoo! I can finally stop obsessing!
Laurene P.
Rockledge, Florida

Dear Ef-Hell-Ay Off:
Nope, ain't L.B. Whatever makes you think so, my love? Think far better highlights.

8/1

Dear Ted:
Finally, our gossip prayers are answered! Toothy Tile has come out of the closet! I should have guessed that Toothy was Lance Bass--I mean, he was in a boy band. Now, if I could only figure out who Slurpa Pop-Off is. I think it is Lindsay--please tell me that I am right.
Amanda B.S.
Los Angeles

Dear Out of Sync:
Lance ain't Toothy, dear. Think far sexier and talented. Slurpa ain't L.L., either. But in this case, think, uh, less gifted. By far.

8/8

Dear Ted:
Now that Lance Bass has outed himself as Toothy Tile, who will you harass next into outing themselves?
M. Popova
Luxembourg

Dear Deluded:
You need to reread the columns. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Lance Bass ain't Toothy. He wishes! Be still my closeted heart!


Dear Ted:
I like to read your column. You show little blips of your good heart in all the right places but not too much. Albeit without the moniker, I've wondered for years...is Toothy Tile Aaron Eckhart?
Melinda
Little Rock

Dear Cruel to Be Kind:
Nice try. Like a good bum-licking was gonna ferret out a Blind Vice answer from moi. Not even close, but thanks just the same!


Dear Ted:
I finally figured it out. Toothy Tile is Ricky Martin. But you won't tell me if I'm right, will you?
Linda Chesney
Yardley, Pennsylvania

Dear Bonbon Brain:
Uh, that would be oui, with a cherry on top. Not R.M.

8/26

Dear Ted:
You are never going to read my emails (all 55 of them), but I have a guess as to the mutual love of D. Spade and H. Locklear, besides the L'Oréal Preference for "blondes." I think it is Botox. Oh, and is Toothy Tile Kiefer Sutherland?
Rita Abney
St. Louis

Dear Mass Mailer:
D.S. 'n' H.L.'s fave pastime definitely redoes somethin', but it ain't their faces, doll. And T2 is far purtier than Mr. S., no offense.

10/10

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile has got to be Jeremy Piven. Right?
Jane Sanders
San Antonio

Dear Deluded:
Uh, wrong, sweetums. Think taller, sexier, younger.


Solved Clues:

1. TT's dimples and bright smile = When Ted mentions Jake by name in other parts of his column, he includes a reference to Jake's pearly whites or dimples.
2. Marble table = Basix Café has them and where Jake was mentioned being at in Ted's column a week before the TT Saga began.
3. Superpopular, superannoyingly perfect famous girlfriend with dimples = Kirsten Dunst
4. Gusty speed racer = Jake was taught to drive by Paul Newman on a racetrack.
5. Rocketing & Rocket to Pluto = October Sky
6. "Right smack between Mr. Bloom and Mr. Wood" = The letter J is exactly spaced in between letter E and O. Also, Orlando is older and Elijah is younger than Jake, another middle reference.
7. Up-and-comer in the movie-idol biz = Day After Tomorrow, Jarhead, Brokeback Mountain.
8. Tobey M = dated Kirsten before she started dating Jake. Jake almost replaced Tobey for Spiderman 2.
9. James Franco = worked with Kirsten Dunst and Tobey, who looks similar to Jake, in Spiderman 1 & 2.
10. Jared Leto = worked with him in Highway.
11. Loves his ex-gf = Still seen around with Kirsten, even though they're not official anymore.
12. Adam Brody = close in age
13. Ashton Kutcher = older than Jake
14. Hayden worked with Jake on a the play This Is Our Youth a few years ago.
15. Geographic location = Jake was born and raised in L.A. The O.C. is directly below L.A.
16. The "fake butt hounding" line sounds like a direct lead to Brokeback Mountain



updated: Oct 10th

Source: E Online