GQ: The 25 Most Pussy-Whipped Husbands

It’s nothing new. Some of history’s most celebrated and powerful men were cut down to size by the women in their lives. Samson was famously laid low by Delilah. Ronald Reagan called his wife “Mommy.” Even John Lennon fell victim to Yoko, who reportedly left cat turds in his path to remind him who was boss. Ever since our prehistoric ancestors first crawled out of the ocean, took a deep breath of air, and uttered that familiar phrase “Sure, we can go to the Container Store on Saturday,” certain men have buckled under female domination. But is there any doubt we’re living in a golden age of rampant, public whipping? Everywhere you look these days, you see the telltale signs of submission: pathological obedience, public humiliation, couples Pilates. It may start with a walk down the aisle—and isn’t marriage one of the cornerstones of male acquiescence?—but it doesn’t end until you’re side by side in the beauty shop, waiting for your matching highlights. Just ask any of these simps. But try not to laugh too loudly; your wife’s trying to watch Gossip Girl.

25. Mark Consuelos When asked if he’d ever dated older women before hooking up with wife Kelly Ripa, the actor and Age of Love host replied, “I don’t remember life before Kelly.” Adorable.

24. Rudolph Giuliani If the former New York mayor is serious about ever running for office again, he should think twice about paying his wife, Judy, a six-figure paycheck for “writing” speeches she’ll later interrupt with her phone calls.

23. Larry King CNN’s house septuagenarian married his sixth wife, Shawn Southwick, while recovering from a cardiac episode. She has recently turned to country music, causing her husband to croak, “I think she’s a terrific singer, and I want her to be a star, and in two or three months I’ll get dumped for a drummer who’s 29 years old named Lance.” Fine, but in the meantime, please stop putting her on your show.

22. Michael Douglas The veteran ladies’ man wed actress Catherine Zeta-Jones in 2000, submitting to a prenup that reportedly gives her $1.5 million for every year they’re together and an extra $5 million should he ever cheat on her, setting up the reformed womanizer for one of the costliest relapses ever.

21. Seal He started dating wife Heidi Klum while she was pregnant with another man’s baby, he says he’s crazy about his in-laws, and his pals claim he even digs changing dirty diapers. Either he’s whipped or the Light FM fixture has stumbled into the perfect marriage. As Heidi told Oprah last October, she fell in love with Seal the minute she saw him: “I met him in a hotel lobby in New York, and he just came from the gym, and I was like, wow.… I pretty much saw everything. The whole package.”

20. Kevin Smith In 2001, the Clerks director penned a fawning comic strip for The New York Times Magazine about how much he loves his wife, former USA Today writer Jennifer Schwalbach, declaring, “Suddenly, the notion of love at first sight doesn’t seem so ridiculous.” Smith, who seems to live out a real-life version of one of those “fat guy, hot wife” sitcoms that CBS favors, also cast the missus in three recent movies and photographed her nude for Playboy.

19. Sergay Brin The 34-year-old Google wunderkind gave his wife, Anne Wojcicki, one honey of a wedding present: His company invested $3.9 million in 23andMe, a biotech-research firm his bride cofounded the year before.

18. Ben Stiller There’s just something about Christine Taylor. How else to explain how Mrs. Stiller managed to grab plum parts in Zoolander and Dodgeball when those roles could’ve just as easily gone to actresses we’d actually heard of?

17. Gerald Levin Under the guidance of his new-wife-cum-guru, Laurie Perlman, the former CEO of Time Warner has remade himself into a New Age–spa keeper. He once described a drum circle at the couple’s Moonview Sanctuary as “a ritual, archetypal setting to get at the most fundamental questions of life.… Instead of a male hierarchy, it becomes almost feminine in its openness.” But hey, if you’d orchestrated one of the most disastrous mergers in business history, you’d seek inner peace, too.

16. Jack Welch In 2005, Newsweek described the former General Electric chair-man and CEO as “gushingly—some might say obnoxiously—in love” with his third wife, Suzy Wetlaufer. He’d better be: His affair with her resulted in his 2003 divorce from previous wife Jane, who settled for an undisclosed (read: massive) chunk of his estimated $1 billion fortune.

15. Tim Burton His longtime partner, actress Helena Bonham Carter, has starred in the director’s past five films, proving she’s perfectly suited to just about any movie he makes, from sci-fi remakes to Victorian musicals. Of course, his ex, Lisa Marie, was probably perfect, as well: She appeared in five of his films, too.

14. Keith Urban First he supposedly signed a prenup agreement that pays him $600,000 for each year he’s together with his Oscar-winning bride, Nicole Kidman—and not a dime should he fall off the wagon, which he’s inclined to do. He entered rehab four months after their 2006 wedding. Maybe that’s why he told an interviewer, “I don’t want to be away from my wife for more than two weeks—I prefer it to be even less.”

13. Elton John Despite several antiquated laws making it impossible for Sir Elton and his partner, David Furnish, to actually get hitched, that doesn’t stop the Rocket Man’s man from bringing him down to earth. Furnish made a warts-and-all documentary about the singer in 1997, tellingly titled Elton John: Tantrums and Tiaras. (Cheers, mate!) And in 2002, the younger Furnish even divulged that his partner wears a weave: “When Elton is onstage,” he told a reporter, “the whole thing gets soaked and has to be dried and fluffed.” Yeah, and it has to be talked about so the world knows your sugar daddy’s as bald as Daddy Warbucks.

12. John Edwards After Ann Coulter referred to the former senator and failed presidential candidate as a “faggot,” Edwards did the stand-up thing: He let his wife, Elizabeth, call in to Hardball and tell the right-wing harpy off but good. John, meanwhile, looked like a man holding his wife’s purse.

11. Woody Allen “The heart wants what it wants,” director Woody Allen famously told Time magazine in 1992 by way of explaining just how he came to have an affair with Soon-Yi Previn, a woman thirty-five years his junior who happens to be the adopted daughter of his then girlfriend. But did the heart want to turn its owner into a laughingstock, tarnish his legendary film career, and portray him as a submissive nebbish—as the Woodman was when Soon-Yi literally ate his breakfast in the cringe-inducing documentary Wild Man Blues?

10. Ashton Kutcher Speaking of his cougar wife, Demi Moore, the ever articulate Punk’d auteur told an interviewer, “I can describe my wife in two words. She’s awesome.” He also gushed, “Do we want to have more kids? I don’t know. I’m not really in charge of all that.” Seeing as how his wife is 45, we assume a fertility specialist is the one who’ll ultimately decide.

9. Howard Stern Not only did the self-styled King of All Media break his promise to never remarry when he got engaged to Beth Ostrosky in 2007, but he also reportedly gushed, “I love you. You’re everything to me.… This is so gay.… I’m asking you to spend the rest of your life with me.” Since then, the Sirius-radio host has given over longer and longer segments of his show to coo to his beloved and promote her spaying, neutering, and pet-adoption crusade. Never lacking in self-awareness, Stern told People magazine, “Sometimes we fantasize about actually having a wedding with the white dress and the whole thing—because I look great in a white dress.”

8. Rupert Murdoch Wendi Deng was just another twentysomething MBA (and thirty-eight years his junior) when she netted the Aussie billionaire master of the universe, whom she seems to enjoy belittling in public. According to New York magazine, she’s said to have revealed that he uses Viagra (but doesn’t need it) and once asked him in front of colleagues, “Are you going deaf, old man?” In January, Deng got her mighty mogul to play waiter at a women’s-empowerment event in Davos, Switzerland, much to the amusement of Murdoch watchers the world over. Then again, waiting on Deng has helped Murdoch gain access to the multibillion-dollar Chinese-media market, so who’s using whom?

7. Kurt WarnerThe ex-Marine and born-again Christian—that’s Mrs. Warner, by the way—has raised the ire of NFL fans with her unwelcome pronouncements on her husband’s career, her aggressive evangelism, and her mushy postgame kisses. Fans have compared Brenda to Yoko Ono and Gozer from Ghostbusters, but her MVP remains loyal to a fault. When the journeyman QB learned he’d be playing in the Pro Bowl, he sent her a bunch of roses with a note reading “This is a great day for me, but it would mean nothing without you there to share it.” Sheds some light on that groin pull in 2005, doesn’t it?

6. Marc Anthony “She’s always been the boss!” the lizardy Latin singer told People magazine about his El Cantante costar and producer, wife Jennifer Lopez. “That’s the first thing a man has to know.… Absolutely, no question about it.” At least Anthony is a man of his word: In 2007 the Grammy winner set out on tour with his new wife, performing as her opening act.

...and now for the fabulously flaccid top five...

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