ONTD

Not everyone can stomach you, I fear, so for those who can't, I'll do a little transcription. You were interviewing Ryan Phillippe, whose first acting job was as a gay teenager on One Life to Live. So naturally you honed in on how WEIRD and HILARIOUS it was that he played a GAY PERSON -- while Phillippe reasonably tried to shift the conversation to the larger issue of how weird it was to be on a soap opera.

But you couldn't be stopped! You went for the comedy gold!

JAY: Can you give me like -- say that camera is your gay lover -- number two --

PHILLIPPE: Wait a second. Wait a second.

JAY: Can you give me your gayest look? Say that -- say that camera is Billy Bob -- Billy Bob has just ridden in shirtless from Wyoming.

(Your sycophantic audience hoots with laughter at the idea of a strapping lad like Phillippe giving a "gay look.")

PHILLIPPE: Wow. That is so something I don't want to do. Are you just going to embarrass me tonight, or --

JAY: No, I got more stuff. This is the least of it.

I've gotta ask: would you ask a guest to make their "blackest face?" Their "Jewiest face?" Why not? (I charitably imagine your answer to be, "Not all black/Jewish people are the same, so it's kind of offensive to think there's a 'black/Jewish face.'") Very good!

I'll back off. I received some criticism for being too heavy-handed with my last letter, so I won't mention this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or this gay face or these gay faces or not to forget this gay face. Which one's the gayest to you?

I bring those faces up because there's a group (with whom you are supposedly sympathetic) undergoing a major civil rights struggle, and you seem to adore using the stereotype that we're laughable and really, all the same in the end.

Like these gay faces:

(None of these guys ever came out of the closet, by the way.)

But back to our phone call! To be honest, when we talked two years ago, there were a couple of moments in the call when you sounded like an ignoramus. But I promised myself, in the spirit of generosity, not to share them with anybody. In public, I said something like: "We both agreed that comedy is tough."

But now, since I'm convinced that you think gay people are just a little subhuman, that we're friendly but ultimately sad, and that moreover that all of us are the SAME ...

... I've decided to share the parts of our phone call that made me laugh a little inside. They're of course based on recollection, but the main wording is emblazoned in my memory:

ME: I don't think you really understand that gay people have a long history, beyond being a bunch of hairdressers --

YOU: I know about gay history. I know about the Stonehill rebellion.

"Stonehill rebellion?" Bitch, please. And then this comment:

YOU: I have to say, I really think gay people have made a lot of progress. There used to be a time when a straight guy would never go to a gay guy for advice on how to dress or look good, but it's totally different now.

Oh, those fashiony gays!

I don't know why you annoy me so much, Jay. While the "South Park" guys go way further than you ever do, they're also, well, funny. Maybe that's the difference.

Anyway, Jay, here's MY "gayest look":

Yours truly,

Jeff